18 years ago today...

in a corner booth at a noisy honky-tonk in Jacksonville, NC...Collin Raye was blaring over the speakers, singing "If You Get There Before I Do..." and my future husband turned to me with tears in his eyes and told me..."I Love You. I really do."

And it was funny, I had been there for so long. I knew the instant we went on our first date, where he two-stepped with me to Garth Brooks in a dive bar in Havelock, whispering in my ear..."how could a man like me get so lucky to go on a date with a woman like you?" that he was the man I would marry. I woke up the very next day to the sound of ringing phone. Auntie Re was on the other line, calling from a visit with my Mom & family and I told her, I said, "I just went on a date with the man I'm going to marry." I just knew it. It took him a while to "get there," but I thank God every day that he did.

I left once. I walked away, sure I wanted to be free. I wasn't there anymore. But he was. He "got there" before I did and he waited. He was patient, kind, forgiving, and most of all, he loved me unconditionally, with his whole heart. He waited. And I came back.

11 years ago today, we stood with my family in Solana Beach and got "married" all over again, starting new, starting fresh.

And today, 18 years later, here we are, separated by 7000 miles...closer than ever, bonded for life and blessed with the 5 most amazing children any parents could ever ask for.

Charles, I miss you more than I could ever express with written words. My heart hurts when you are not here and I don't feel whole. I can't wait to see you again and whisper in your ear..."how could a woman like me get so lucky to have a man like you?"

Happy "I Love You" Anniversary, my love.

I'll be waiting.

Me.

The reason for the season...

was beautiful tonight.

My little blessings and I attended the live nativity at Emmanuel Baptist Church in Cedar Point tonight. Yep, I decided taking 5 small children to a place with fire, live animals, cookies, donuts and hot cider was a smashing idea.

WELL, ha. I was right.

It was just lovely. Of course, I got all teary eyed at the end when I took a pic of my minis to send to their Daddy. But...I'm quite pleased that I didn't cave to my overwhelming desire to stay home in my jammies and do a lot of cleaning (OR nothing...)

What a gift to my littles to have a little bit of an understanding of what it must have been like so many years ago for Mary & Joseph to travel to a strange place to do God's work. What faith they must have possessed! And how overwhelming, pregnant with no place to go and no warm bed to lie upon. It gave me much pause to realize how truly gifted we are in our time.

Charley, that sweet bean, says as she is getting tucked in tonight..."Mommy, was that the real Bethlehem?"

Mercy, light of this little family, was quite the lady this eve. Asked by our "shepperd" if she knew who was born on Christmas day, she piped back with "Baby Jesus was!"

Max, my man, was a little overwhelmed with all the business about, so he stuck to me like glue but watched with great interest.

Eva was quite impressed and made me promise to take her back again next year. :-)

Sam...well he was Sam. Tried to rip the stroller apart to escape, tore his cookie in half before he ate it and entertained the masses with his antics.

As for me?

Just too blessed to be stressed. I'm going to bed with a messy house. And when I say messy...I mean it.

Oy.

Merry CHRISTmas, my friends.

love,

clan mac mama

Oh, my mini macs...

Mommy is just so darn sorry. I've let so much time pass by with no news of you. So much has happened and the time has flown by...

Sam... you let Mommy rock you to sleep now. IT is just the sweetest time. You are quite the stubborn little Mac...wonder where you get THAT from?

Mercy... you are the littlest mommy with the sweetest heart... and the most heartbreaking sadness over your Daddy being gone.

Max...You are just a little turkey butt. Fakey Fakerton is my most favorite term of endearment for you. Stubborn, smart and DETERMINED. Your smile melts my heart and the kisses you give are sweeter than any candy.

Charley...my heart just almost bursts when you tell me you'll always live next door. I'm going to hold you to that! Math is your favorite part of the day, which completely CRACKS me up, since I'm the one teaching you and really...you should be teaching me!

Eva...my sweet, amazing firstborn baby. It's been a little tough lately...and your capacity to love, forgive and stay strong is SO inspiring to Mommy. I love you more than you can ever know...well, until you have your own little mini-me. Thank you, sweet bean, for your sweet soul.

Charles...I miss you so much it hurts. I'm lonely and I need a hug. Send me one from across the miles...I"m sending one to you.

2 months down. Thank You Jesus!

love,

tiff & the many mini macs

ahhh......i'm still breathing....

sort of. Mostly I'm probably hyperventilating, alternating with praying...yelling...praying...yelling...

Um, it's sort of like the deployment hamster wheel of the wife of the deployed Marine who is just looney enough to homeschool, run a home business AND maintain a level of TYPE A that is really treatable with just enough wine....

and then, I'm stupid enough to page back through my old posts. Yes, I just said STUPID. Don't page back through old posts that are funny, cute and quite memorable when you are completely incapable of posting even a blurb about your kids because you are so tired most of the time that you forget how to speak properly...

All wittiness aside...all clan mac moments here in a nutshell!

Eva:

Chapterbookaholic...

Has developed a sassiness that could cost her one of her nine lives...

BUT, is so sweet and helpful when I let her be. (Yes, I just said that too. I'm having a control freak problem right now...)

Loves. Loves. Loves! the other mini macs! Loves to chat with me, Loves to dress her little sib, Mercy. Wishes with every fiber of her being that I could spend more time with her. Breaks my heart that I can't figure out how. (Cloning? Am I the next Dolly?)

Amazes me constantly with how capable she is. Gets ALL of her littles up and dressed with just a little prompting from the Mommy. What, oh what, would I do without her?

Eva...you ROCK!

A flitting, funny, fabulous whirl of a girl!

Charley...

Oh, what can you say about a whirling dervish of a tomboy who thinks that wearing a dress is a punishment? Seriously...we just ended a 3 day run of dress punishment. When I told her she could pick out her own clothes for tomorrow, you'd have thought she won the lego lottery. On the flip side, a math lesson is like a treat and her math book is a coveted work of love. Her heart is so big it gives me goosebumps and her temper is so epic it takes every ounce of my self control not too just bust out laughing every time she stomps out of the room with her arms crossed and her lower lip so far out she's almost tripping on it...

Like a sponge, she just absorbs all that surrounds her and constantly astounds me with what pops out of those rosebud lips of hers. She too, is a little mommy. Although...she tends to be more of an arm wrestling, JUST DO IT NOW, kind of little mommy. (Hmmm, who could she be like?)

Mercy...

Little miss sassy señorita smarty pants...heart of gold, uber-sensitive, brutally honest, unfailingly sweet and VERY old soul. She randomly decided about 2 weeks ago that she'd like to be potty trained...and she did it almost entirely on her own. THANK YOU JESUS. For all of you who doubt his essential existence and grace...have 3 kids in diapers while your hubby is deployed, then have one decide to cut you a break and actually deposit her own by-products into a toilet...you WILL believe. forever. I promise.

Listening to her speak in paragraphs and try to mother each and every one of her siblings is the sweetest sound. I'm confounded on a minute by minute basis by her maturity of speech and ability to know EXACTLY what she is doing. She is the most calculated child I've given birth to yet...CRAP. I'm in for it in a major way.

Max...

All boy...almost all the time. The poor kid is certain that he is adrift in a sea of estrogen. He is finally starting to realize that he and Sam must be a testosterone team if they have any hope of surviving the ovarian regime in which they are drowning...He'll push the stroller with his dog in it, but he will TAKE YOU OUT if you try to steal it away. Picky...picky...picky eater, it would be easier if I just pureed his favorite foods and fed him through a straw. But, oh wow, can he make a mama feel special. His kisses are like winning the lottery and that smile is magazine cover material! Trucks, cars and dirt are his best friends, just make sure you are ready with the soap when he finally realizes he's dirty! Oh, and did I mention exactly how he gives those kisses? He fixes you with those eyeballs...tilts his head just a bit, leans in as smooth as silk, places his hands on your cheeks and plants one on ya. and lingers like a little lothario. Watch it, chickies!

Sam...

Sam, sweet Sam. Or should I say, Tank, BIG TANK. Fighting for his place, he is quite certain that none of this family is going to steamroll over him! When I say tank, I am NOT kidding. That kid has a grip that could take down the world arm wrestling champ, a right hook that is golden gloves worthy and an appetite that is bottomless. Big man does NOT miss a meal. There is currently a phase happening in which he allows me the privilege of rocking him every night...PLEASE GOD, don't let this phase pass...it is my most cherished moment of the day. I really don't know how I made it this far into motherhood without this. None of the other beans loved rocking quite as much as Sam. Mercy was a close second, Charley & Max tied for 3rd, Eva did NOT like it. :-( Sam is making up for it all. Thank you Jesus. Sam Sam is not happy unless he is in the middle of the chaos, learning how to jump off the play table or roll end to end on the couch right along with the big kids. He's repeating tons of words, so I guess I'd better quite cursing like a sailor...and the best thing of all? He SMACKS his lips when I bring him his bottles. IT is stinking fabulous. The little turkey never does it for the camera, so I guess I"ll have to remember it in my mind movie mode. Smilin' Sam, I just love that God knew I needed you.

Happy Fall, ya'll!

love,

clan mac mama

Found this one and realized I never hit publish...On January 20, 2009...

at just about a quarter to nine,
they told us that you'd soon be here.
So with just a bit of fear, we let out a great big cheer!
Mercy arrived at 1:02,
followed in a bit by baby two.
Little Max took his own sweet time,
arriving later at one one nine.
Thus began life as a family of six,
a crazy,wacky, maniacal mix!
In the whirlwind chaos of your first 12 months,
you grew into such adorable runts!
Completed our family is what you did,
your effervescent joy made us flip our lid!
Happy Birthday to Mercy,
Happy Birthday to Max,
Our wonderful, adorable, twin mini macs!!

Sumo Sam...

is my little man.

Strong as an ox, you are. My strongest baby man by far.

Your birthday came and you turned 1, since then you've had just so much fun!

Walking, walking, on the move, you've got your sumo Sam man groove.

A bottle of milk you often covet, smacking your lips because you love it!

Quite a temper you have acquired, displaying it whenever you desire.

Mostly when big brother snatches, your wrath he then catches.

Sometimes cranky when your belly rumbles, you then let Mommy know with grumbles!

It's often a loud and short little bark, kind of a silly "arghk!"

Before you started your ambulating, you'd crawl like you were speed racing!

Sam, my Sam, my sweet, sweet boy... oh you bring me so much joy!

Sweet boy, the summer has come and gone. You've grown up so much...your babble has turned into words...MaMa, More, Milk, BaBa

Memories are like whisps of smoke....

curling through the air, disappearing slowly, softly...until only a fuzzy outline remains...

I remember when I was younger, I used to think I'd remember it all. I'd never forget anything! HA, I say. 5 kids and about a bazillion brain cells later...well, here we are. Mama is too tired to blog most of the time, never writes anything down and takes tons of pictures but never prints them or posts them anymore. Oops.

Brain, oh brain, please remember...

That I cried most of Sam's first birthday. I was so sad my baby was turning one. My sweet little bean was going to grow up and there was not a darn thing I could do to change it. And I knew he'd be my last, and, darnit! I might have wanted just ONE more...(or however many God would have given us.) Between my fits of crocodile tears, though, little man had a wonderful day, surrounded by Mommy & Daddy, all his sibs, Nana & Papa, Aunt Sam-Sam & the girls. He splashed in the pool, ate cupcakes and got SO much love!

That I cried for 3 nights in a row after we cut Max's hair. That I just couldn't even look at him for about 2 weeks...and then all of a sudden I realized that my sweet baby boy had come right on out of his shell! He started jabbering at warp speed, bouncing about like tigger, cutting me looks (a la' Charley) and being just down right "superboy!" Maybe, just maybe, he was a little bogged down by all that gorgeous hair. Not to mention, he LOVES his new do and is very happy to have Mommy "hawk" it with his very own Manly Hair Stuff.

The day that Charley & Eva and I stayed late at the waterslide pool and Charley took me to the top and made me watch her go down at least 20 times...waving at each turn of the slide every single time she rode it, making sure she had her nose pinched with her fingers (just in case a drop of water might splash up into one of those cute little nostrils.) And the sound of her laughter as I came flying down the slide into the pool...that shriek she just so happened to inherit from my Nana. As a matter of fact, I think Charley may be more like Nana than I'd noticed until now. Man, am I in for it!

The sadness I feel sometimes when I realize that precious time has slipped away, unnoticed and tossed in the wind. Time we'll never have again.

The joy that warms me when I see each of them sleeping, so peaceful and sweet. I just sat in front of Sam's crib tonight, watching him sleep and breathe. I could have sat there all night, gazing at his sweetness.

The tinge of sadness that comes over me when I watch Max and Mercy sleep, realizing that they sleep like big kids now. That soon the cribs will be gone and they will be big kids and I won't have "littles," just "bigs" and one "little."

The sheer joy in Charley's face and voice when I told her tomorrow was her first soccer practice...watch out sports world, here she comes!! How happy I am to know that I found her "thing."

Mercy praying, solemnly, hands folded before she eats..."Bless our hearts...food....Jesus name pray, Amen." (Her version of our grace. So sweet!) And no R's exist in her words yet, which I just love. The sweetest sound is your child learning to speak and the tiny nuances that make it unique and childlike.

Max...running off sentences...labeling everything he can think of. Nonchalantly answering my questions with "yes." "no." clear as a bell! (It sounds much cuter in person...)  I say Max....he says "Yehhhhssss?"

Eva...poised and confident in front of our entire homeschool group, giving a presentation on her namesake, my Grandma Eva.  My heart exploding with pride and love, sadness around the edges that her day and our extended family weren't hear to see her.

Sweet Sam fell asleep...

in my arms tonight. He gave me kisses, hugs, snuggles and love. He let me sing and stroke his hair, then let me rock him right to sleep. And we rocked & rocked and rocked. I'd still be rocking if the M-n-M's hadn't needed me to send them off to dreamland. My sweet boy hasn't given me that gift since he was still nursing.

God, you knew I needed that. Thank you, God. Because I really did.

Love,

Tiff

Precious memories...

how they linger, how they ever touch my soul... (my fave Randy Travis song...)

These last few months have rolled by on the waves of change. I blinked and Max started really talking...following many of his caveman sentences with "Now." Not in a demanding way, just a simple, "Mi, now." "Book, now," "Bite, now." (A mi is his binkie...gotta love kid speak.) I blinked again and Sam started crawling, pulling up, feeding himself, gibbering earnestly in babyspeak and turning ONE! Mercy moved on to speaking in paragraphs, determining her wardrobe and garbing herself in many jewels. Charley continues to amaze with her giant heart, crocodile tears, beaming smiles, quirky personality...and growing up by turning FIVE! Eva has turned a proverbial corner, leaving all traces of little girl behind and rooting herself firmly as a young lady.

Ah, Sam...Sam, Sam, the munchkin man, Mama loves her little man!

Your smile just goes on for miles, my son. Your joy beams from every pore of your chubby self. Tank is my favored nickname...as you are my only child that just jumped off the growth chart and into future linebacker land. Your curiosity is epic, your skill at discovering new ways to investigate taboo places is causing Mommy heart palpitations, your appetite is bottomless and your snuggles are beyond precious. Speed crawling is your latest skill, followed by a burning desire to stand on your own. A few seconds of standing on your own makes your smile even bigger, if THAT is possible! You are Mommy's little man and you get quite incensed when I leave your sight or spend too much time away from your presence. You have Mommy radar and when I return home from an outing, you are the first one to come speeding toward me with a grin and a ready snuggle! (Max and Mercy are usually on your tail, fighting over who gets to hug the Mommy first. I feel the most important person EVER and it's completely fabulous.)

Your smile is framed by an adorable set of 6 teeth, 4 uppers and 2 lowers...soon to be joined by the eye teeth that are interruping your precious sleep. Your hair is stinking marvelous, just like your big brother's and you have a cute, albeit annoying, habit of constantly running your hands through it with food on them, which results in hysterical hair wings the likes of which I have not seen since Max was about your age. Your are quite a sweaty little baby, which I attribute to your tanklike stature and full head of superb hair. Your siblings still think the sun rises and sets on your charming self, which you use to your fullest advantage...although you get quite a rise out of Max when you pull his superb hair. (WHAT is that, only my boys get the good hair?) I sense a future filled with instigating while beaming a cherubic countenance, followed by a "who, me? I would never do that Mama..."

Where have all the babies gone....

?
In one week, just one, from today...Tank will be 1 year old. ONE. He will officially cross over to the not-so-snuggly, don't need you as much, too busy to hug you, too busy to sit in your lap, almost toddling stage. And that's it. 8 years of babies, 3 in 2 years and I'm finally a woman with no babies.
WHAT?
I am not so sure about this. I mean I'm SURE I am NOT EVER going to want to give birth again, have big leaky boobs again, be big and unwieldy again and be up half the night again. But, I'm not sure how to be a Mama with no snuggly little blobs of love.
Oh, I know. I can sleep all night. I can occasionally venture out with all 5. If I want a real treat, I try to hit Sam's Club and Walmart on the same shopping day with the Fire Team and Spare (Tank.) It's always an adventure...punctuated by "are those all YOUR children?" "Wow, you are blessed!" "Um, do you know how this happens?" Yup, to all of the above. Oh, and lest I forget..."wow, you sure are brave." Nope, just a glutton for lots of love.
I realized something lately. I haven't been a whole lot of fun for a really long time. Instead of embracing this life God has chosen for me, I've been fighting it. TOOTH AND NAIL. Mostly just like an irritated horse surrounded by buzzing flies, I've been randomly swiping at my life. I'd venture to say I was a Hostile Homeschooling Harpie.
Well, in the words of my esteemed pal Sara, God has had a little convo with me, during which He informed me He is not pleased with my hostility. And, well, He's right. SO. In her footsteps I follow, telling the Hostile Homeschooling Harpie to take a Hike, to be replaced by Zen Master Cool Homeschooler Extroardinaire.
As I embark on this journey of calm in the face of all things Crazy Clan Mac, wish me peace and a quiet voice... I find that the little dervishes actually listen a little better when I whisper their proposed exile/punishment. Well, that and I'm just tired of yelling over the din. Chaos be gone. Or if it insists on staying, stay out of my way! I'm on a Zen mission.

Breathing deeply and surrounded by zen-ness,
Clan Mac Mama
p.s. No, my blog was not hijacked by Angi. :-)

Dear Mercy,

Mommy was so inspired by you today! Out of nowhere, you started dancing just like a ballerina, complete with hand movements and tippy toes, twirling about the playroom, you face the picture of sweet peace and bliss. You followed this sweetness with many snuggles for Mommy right before you informed me you wanted to take your nap. (!)
When you woke from your self imposed slumber, we took a stroll out front to enjoy the evening. After you made your way down the front steps, you spied your favorite neighbors on their porch and proceeded to greet them with a princess worthy wave and a "Hi!" (You repeated this several times, enhancing the cuteness factor...)
I was then informed that you wished to go for a walk. Off we went. Our stroll was sadly cut short by a scooter-bike collision between your sisters, so we headed in for some vittles. Much to your joy, one of the fave neighbor children "A" helped us shepard our supersized clan in for the evening. Suprisingly, you then settled at the table with some colored pencils and a book instead of tagging along after "A." I brought you some paper to help you "write" the ABC's, since you seem to feel that you must dictate letters frequently and we must repeat them. In order, I might add. Here you sat until I served you & Max your gourmet meal of taters, fish sticks and steamed broccoli. I told you both to pray before you ate and...by golly, you did! You blessed your food and thanked God. I think my heart cried a little with happiness.
My sweet child, I love you so much. What joy you bring to my life. Thank the Lord, He blessed me with you.
Love,
Mommy
p.s. You can also count to ten, speak in paragraphs, follow lots of instructions, sing ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle, Ring around the Rosy, My Favorite Things and so many other songs! And best of all, you exude sweetness from every pore. (Except when you are instigating your brother...) Oh, and when Mommy asks, "Mercy, who's your twin?" You love to say, "Max, my twin!" AND, I almost forgot, you love to ask Max to chase you, boss him around, take care of babydolls, carry purses, wear lots of jewelry, clothe yourself in only dresses, carry your own purse, change clothes often, pick your own hair pretties, and try on all the "big girl" shoes. :-)

Straight from the stinker's mouth...

Me: Charley, Nana has wooden spoons here to. I'm sure she'll let me use it if you don't straighten up.
Charley: Really Mom? Because I have a bigger one.
Me: (mouth hanging open, speechless...) I got nothin'. Moving on...

Charley: Mommy, your hair looks crazy! You look just like Aunt Sammy now!
Me: Gee thanks...would you like to call her and tell her?

Me: Charley, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Charley: Mommy, you silly, I'm not going to grow up. I'm always gonna be little and live with you!
Me: You are my favorite child....

Just so all of our loyal followers know...This is not a post from my loving wife Tiff. So do not expect to read a witty, funny, or bring a tear to your eyes posting. Tiff is the writer in the family not dear old Dad. So now that the disclaimer is out of the way... I just wanted to post out here how proud I am as a husband and father. Ever since we decided to take this journey of home schooling our Mini Macs through Classical Conversations, a little part of me has always harbored resistance to the idea. But after seeing our two eldest lil angels up on that stage last night at the Classical Conversations year end presentations, that last bit of resistance was effectively squashed. To see my lil Charley bean who all evening long, including before we left the house, was saying that she did not want to get up on the stage...To see her right out in front of her class during their presentation just filled me with a sense of pride and joy. And to see Eva up their as the spokesperson for her class, giving the introduction for her class on what they learned during the year in geography had me bursting with pride and joy. It was amazing to see my 8 year old up there not afraid one bit to speak in front of a large group of people, to take the lead for her class. And I would never have been able to see them do this if wasn't for Tiff. She has known all along that she wanted to home school our kids. She has been the driving force behind their education and has done a tremendous job this year. It may not have always been easy, but she has stuck with her dedication and her efforts. And seeing our lil ones up there last night just reinforces in me that home schooling was the route to take for our family. Now I just have to figure out how to finish the upstairs so that Tiff and the kids can have a dedicated space for home schooling. I Love Ya Tiff!

Moments to love...

from the last few months of clan mac chaos!

Max and Mercy holding hands as they play outside, taking a stroll...

Sam sitting up!

The first time Mercy uttered my favorite words...I Love You Mama...which she then taught to her sweet brother...sometime in February. How perfect!

Mercy talking a blue streak...and I can understand!

Max gibbering at me with such an earnest look on his face that I must decipher what he says, even if it takes all day.

Sam grabbing my face with BOTH hands and planting the sloppiest of baby kisses...sometime in February. How perfect...again!!

Walking in the door to see my son with a ponytail sticking off the top of his head...the poor dude couldn't see through his bangs anymore and kept tripping. Thus the ponytail crafted by our fave 3rd parent...Becca.

Watching Secretariat with my Big Beans on a rainy afternoon...yelling at the TV and jumping up and down when he wins!

Seeing the look on the my doctor's face when he asked if I enjoyed the drive down to Wilmington without the kiddos and I said...
"Well, when Mercy handed me her poop yesterday, I decided I just couldn't wait to get here!"

Chalk Art in the driveway on those (finally) sunny days!

My heart swelling with pride when my 8 year old gave a presentation on our family Mission project at school... in front of over 100 people!

Days that Mercy leaves her diaper on with it's contents intact.

Discovering that Charley is starting to read!

Listening to Eva learn to play the piano!

Hearing Mercy try to sing our "school."

Seeing Sam with a toothy grin, thanks to his first 2 teeth, who made their appearance as a duo in early March...

Sweet kisses between tantrums from my Charley bean...

Watching the same Charley bean deciphering words...



AND...Remembering that these are the little years. Figuring out ways to love them. And being so grateful that I accidentally got 5 instead of 3. :-0

I live for...

little moments like that....
You know that country song? Sing it just a bit for me. Then read all about the moments whose time and date escapes me, but whose details, praise the Lord, don't.

Sam sat up, now he sits...and he rolls...and he scooches a bit. He has this hysterical method of rolling his fat little body from side to side with his giantly cloth diapered butt high in the air as he tries mightily to reach whatever object is just outside his little stratosphere...It's almost like a crippled caterpillar. HA, I love baby ingenuity! His appetite is epic for this family of light eaters (save for Charley,) his demeanor beyond sweet, and his presence in our family? Precious! So very precious.

He's my last sweet, snuggly, smooshy, smunchy baby. And my bigs are getting so much bigger...I'll blink and before I know it, they'll be grown and I'll wonder where all the time has gone.

And then I'll look at pictures and read this silly blog...and I"ll remember.

Love,
The Mommy

So many moments...

so little time to remember them. :-(

And life is just whizzing by here in our maniacal mac clan...

Sam is almost 10 months old....
Max and Mercy talk, listen when it strikes their fancy, demand with clarity and just generally aren't even remotely babies anymore.
Charley...well she talks like a 20 year old and behaves like a 2 year old.
Eva? Chapter books, spa parties, mommying to her sibs and helping her mommy. (all the time...what a gift she is.)

I had a funny chat with a friend last night, during which we were discussing issues with finding specialist doc care for kiddos in a military town. I recalled my ease in finding a pediatric ortho doc to look at Mercy when she was doing something odd when she walked...I couldn't for the life of me recall if it was walking like a duck or walking on her toes. Well, my good friend remembered it in detail...So I decided then and there that I should stop trying to recall every little thing and record it and simply pass my kids baby books around (well...if they all had them, not just the first 2) and let my "village" fill it in.
So here is my request of all of you that get to see my kiddos grow up...if you remember something, anything....even just a smidget of info that I can pretend I remember, would you just shoot me a little reminder so I can then copy and paste it to this blog, change it up a bit and pretend I actually wrote it down? Thanks so much. It will save me thousands in therapy bills when they are older. Or not. They'll probably read this post and realize I just made it all up.

Seriously. It's time to move on to what I actually do remember...

Sam...
He sits, he rolls, he eats, he laughs like a maniac, babbles a blue streak, smiles so big you think your heart will just burst with love every time you see it, he chews...on anything he stuff into his mouth (still no sign of any toothers though!)
He adores his sibs, cannot stand to be left alone (he is so unused to quiet and alone time that he just doesn't know how to act when it happens...).
He lives for the snuggles and sleeps like a bear.

And that about covers it for today's memory cells...

Love,
Clan Mac Mama

Watching my son sleep...

is poetic and joyful, soft and sweet. An image burned like a brand in my mind until I'm no longer.
When my sweet Sam is so tired, I lay him on his back for one last grin and big slobbery kiss...
then I heft him over (he is a bit BIG...)
He stretches his whole body out, face down, arms extended, butt in the air...
then rubs his soft smooshy little face back and forth, back and forth...
all the while softly squinching his chubby little hands over and over on the chamois sheet...
sometimes he reaches out for his mi mi, popping it into his mouth...
mostly he just drops right off the planet...peaceful and quiet.
The most beautiful sight I have ever seen.

Attempting to avoid status updates...

and start more blogging again, so here I am. A quick note...
SO.
This week just seems to be the yin/yang of life. A fabulous help has been dropped on my family from above and without her I just don't think I'd be able to make it through my weeks. On the flip side, I'm not reacting well to the new meds and think I may have to drop them. Crap...looney lady may be making a comeback. Pray she stays in the proverbial box and we get this worked out. :-) I've also got a few sick little kiddos who have needed WAY more attention than normal and nights here just have Charles and I looking at each other and communicating telepathically....
CALGON TAKE ME AWAY.
Seriously, the crying was so ridiculous the last few evenings that I really just had to laugh. It was like I was right in the middle of some birth control ad to scare errant teens into abstaining...for the REST of their lives.
Back on the other blessing side...an opportunity to help out another homeschooling family just dropped into my lap and the way it all worked out? Totally a God thing.
SO. Today. The first school day of our new year, Clan Mac version 5.0, and I get to go with just the bigs. What a rare treat that is. :-)
Cheers everyone, and here's to REALLY trying to always look on the bright side. (Jeepers, if I didn't, I'd spend my days wallowing and looking at vacation homes. With only ONE bedroom.)

Hope your day rocks!
Tiff

Better times are comin' our way...

What is it about the New Year that makes us want to reinvent ourselves? That makes us set new goals, make resolutions, promises to ourselves and others? Ok, so 531 years ago, did some smelly renaissance man decide that he wanted to reinvent himself to win over the love of an equally smelly renaissance woman? And did he just so happen to do it on Jan 1? SO, maybe he won the love of the woman, told his friends...who told their friends...and, well you know how it goes. And here we are, some 532 years later, using the Gregorian Calendar date of Jan 1 every year to decide that, WELL, I've completely screwed up last year, so this year I'll try REALLY hard to be a brand spankin' shiny 5.0 version of myself.

And well. THAT is what I'm doing this year.

Technically, I didn't completely screw up the last year. I had a great kid, built a great house, started a great homeschool and set down roots in a great little town. I did, however, hit a wall going about 90 miles an hour a couple of months ago...which resulted in a pretty major "yep, you guessed it I'm really a lunatic..." meltdown the likes of which I have not had in a pretty long darn time. Some of you know, some of you don't, but now you all do. I'm Bipolar. Nuts, looney tunes, wacko. NO, I am not like Richard Gear in that movie, I DO NOT think I can EVER fly. But yes, I do have a certifiable DSM IV actual mental wackiness that sometimes needs a pretty major tune up. I've known most of my life that something wasn't quite right, I mean who REALLY needs all those shoes, categorized by color, heel height and season...and completely loses it when someone edges one out of place? Seriously, that's not really how it is. (well, I am like that but it's just because my Mom made me that way. LOL love ya Mom.) BUT, I have known it was something that made me different, something that wasn't "like all the others..." as my fave sesame street puppets would say. Well, my aha moment was about 11 years ago when I read a book called The Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jameson. And it was like reading a book someone wrote about Me, without ever knowing Me. And it wasn't about Me. But it was about somebody like me. And my doctors told Me that I was like Her. I was Bipolar I with rapid cycling. Ok, so I cried. And I'm sure you are all thinking, "well, gee I'd be sad too if they said I was a nut job." Got news for ya. They were actually tears of joy. You try spending 29 years not knowing what the bloody blazes is wrong with you and then finding out it's something as simple as that. Something they can treat, something that makes me just wacky enough to be memorable, something that OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TOO.

SO, fast forward about 11 years later. Most of the last 9 have been pretty even. Pregnancy and nursing seems to make me sorta happy. (THAT is scary.) So, since I've been knocked up much of the last 8 years, it has helped me stay (sorta) sane. BUT, I've kind of been riding the waves since mid 2007, not very well, I might add, and this year it all blew up right in my proverbial face. I guess all the stress of the last 2 years and mostly the last year really just hit all at one time and I smashed into that wall going 90 miles an hour HARD.

So, my husband handled it like he was in the middle of a war zone. (Which, technically I guess he was.) Cool, amazing, (mostly) calm, loving, kind, giving, really, I could go ON and ON. He is such my eternal gift from my creator. My kids were marvelous. And forgiving. And a beautiful reminder that I matter, am needed and looked up to. My family was kind, generous, supportive and just generally awesome. Thanks Mom for the ear, Dad for the calls just "to check on the kids," Sam for the advice, Mark for being so excited to see us that it just made me smile through the tears and Susan & Al for riding in to give our kids some much needed one on one time and some real homecooked food.

I have to admit it was hard to go through this here, where I've fallen apart on a much grander scale once before. And it was hard not to have some of my older friends and supporters right here where I needed them. I would have given my left arm to have Cas down the street again. Kristina just a drive away. Connie around the corner. So many I miss & wish for, I can't list them all. It's hard to go through this in a place where people don't know what to do. Don't know how to react. Don't know that having a meltdown doesn't technically make you a crappy parent. It just makes you human. I also have to admit that there was some serious help from above...in human form through some divine encouragement I received from some of my park pals and prayer gals, you know who you are. And from the pal who captures the love of our family in images that bring tears to my eyes and her friendship nurtures my soul. And from one friend who swears she doesn't know what to do with all the emotional fussiness but somehow manages to be such a rock for me. You know who you are and I'll send a hug and many thanks over the cyberwaves so you don't have to deal with all that teary crap. :0)

SO. It's out there for all the word to read. Think what you will, judge if you must. (I guess some just don't get the concept of "judge not, lest ye be judged.") But know this. I am human and made in the way God intended. And I will love myself for what He made and I will seek His face to help me through and I will turn to those He has provided and I will always be honest about who I am. I lost that for a while. I found it again and I pray with every fiber of my being that I don't ever lose it again. (Literally, because the hitting the wall part of being a wackadoo really sucks.) And I promise to try VERY hard to always remember what my good pal Lisa says, "it's just a season, dear."

WELL. after that mess is all up in your hair and the bee is out of my bonnet, I thought I'd let you in on my goals for reinventing my not smelly self.

I will...
spend more time laughing with my husband and my offspring.
eat a heck of a lot better, but never deprive myself of yummy treats.
get some damn exercise. I might be skinny but, damn if I'm not jiggly. YUCK!
enjoy teaching my kids all about the world and everything in it.
spend more time blessing others and paying it forward.
get my stupid degree.

oh, and live on a stinky budget. ugh.

THIS is OUR YEAR. Clan Mac, version 5.0
Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love,
the clan mac mama