of trying to find the words I promised to write.
Words that are stuck in my "throat," because there are SO MANY things I want to say. Things I've tamped down, hidden away, shoved in the feelings closet. OR-simply haven't had the energy to share.
Christmas shopping when 2 of your kids are dead sucks.
No way around it, no silver lining or cute emojis that can make it suck less.
No amount of "being thankful for the kids I still have..." can even remotely touch the fried endings of my nerves.
I still have to hang their stockings, knowing they won't be filled with anything because they don't need anything here on this earth anymore.
I still have to open the boxes of ornaments and Christmas projects, fully aware that we are one Christmas away from having more Christmases without Sam than with him.
I STILL HAVE TO-
do all the things for the ones I have left.
Because they have suffered enough and they deserve to know that joy is still real.
Going to church when your kids are dead also sucks.
Especially when you just don't want to go.
Not because you don't love Jesus, or want to worship or spend time in the Word.
I don't want to go because every single Sunday, without exception, when I usher my 3 living kids out the door, I still feel like we're incomplete. Because. we. are.
Of all the chaos in our lives before Sam & Mercy left us, the one constant was our church.
SO-After nearly 9 years at the same church, we stopped attending last spring. Much to the dismay of our surviving kids, who couldn't quite grasp why we would do such a thing.
Walking into that place, incomplete-finally just became too much for this mama heart to bear.
To be frank-it was also the raw scraping of being in that Family Life Center where people eulogized my kids and "celebrated" their lives, it made me SO FREAKING ANGRY that I was physically ill when I would force myself to sit there and ride out the service.
For much of the last year, my life has felt like it was falling down around me. Dominos falling in sequence, faster and faster, with no chance for me to flick one out of the way to-
make. it. stop.
BUT- walking into this season, one that absolutely isn't about presents, trees, lights, cookies, ugly sweaters or hallmark movies-
I'm going to kick the dominos out of the damn way.
To focus on the true gift.
It's our first Christmas without any family here to help fill the holes. To create noise where there is none now.
It's our first Christmas in 8 years without our closest pals.
It's our first Christmas without unit parties and Gunny Claus.
It's the first time we'll wake up Christmas morning with-
just. the. 5. of. us.
And eat Christmas dinner with-
just. the. 5. of. us.
It hit me last night that in this year, with all of it's chaos, our focus as a family hasn't even been close to the way we used to celebrate this season. In the last 3 1/2 years, we've all just been trying to survive.
In my sewing cabinet last month, I found a beautiful, unfinished Advent Calendar that I started sewing for the kids the year before the accident.
The irony of that unfinished calendar coupled with our incomplete life has been stewing in my spirit-reminding me of all that has been lost in the time since Sam & Mercy left us.
Slowly, but surely, each tradition has fallen away-too painful to continue without all 5 sweet faces and hearts.
Gradually, we've learned it's often easier to fill our time in ways that require no thought or planning, no emotional engagement, no little pieces of our hearts and NO reminders of the people missing from our family.
And I hate it. My spirit and my soul fiercely miss the beautiful traditions, the simple joy of keeping our focus and our hearts on Christ.
Will you pray with me?-
Pray that each heart in our family can seek ways to build new traditions. Pray we find ways to be a blessing, to serve and to demonstrate the miraculous love that Our God showed us when he gave us-
the true gift of Jesus Christ.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
clan mac mama