Friday, July 31, 2015

The first month-


without Mercy & Sam.  
While it seems as though the days have lasted 100 hours instead of 24, that each minute crawls by, my thoughts constantly consumed by the absence of my sweet beans, the month also appeared to speed by like an old movie reel on fast forward- tape flying everywhere, grainy images flooding my mind, black dots clouding the images, garbled sounds and static filling the rooms of my mind.  

Entire days will pass by and I will wonder if I simply dreamed those years.  The happy ones.  The busy ones. The ones where we were told so often how blessed we were, how busy we must be, and well "don't you know how this happens?" and "my goodness, are you having any more??"  

Lately, the evenings are simply the hardest for me.  I dissolve into sobs and just crawl into bed, lights on, teeth not brushed…last night Charley just laid her little body across mine as I wailed.  Then she brought me Sammy's Blue Bear and Snoopy, her now treasured sleep companions, so that I could have a night with them.  

The silence is simply deafening.  The laughter of my children is no longer the music that fills my days.  Loneliness fills the hearts of each of those of us left here waiting.
Waiting, aching, keening... to see them again.  

I wonder what it's like there.  
Do they know we miss them? 
Can they feel our sadness?  
Have they asked all of their questions? 
Do they remember us? 
Do they remember how much we loved them?  

I beg God to help me remember times I have forgotten.  I lament the years I didn't blog much.  I pray for others to share their memories and moments.  

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
Matthew 28:20

In my soul, I know He is with me.  In my soul, I will still thank Him, praise Him, bless Him.  For it is God who lent them to us, to fill our lives with laughter and joy.  Someday, He will once again fill my mouth with a song of praise and gladness.  

Because your love is better than life, 
my lips will glorify you.  
I will praise you as long as I live, 
and in your name I will lift up my hands.  
Psalm 63:3-4

He put a new song in my mouth, 
a hymn of praise to our God.  
Psalm 40:3

Please just keep praying.  Only His strength will carry us through.  

love, 
clan mac mama
  

 

3 comments:

Blessings from above said...

My heart still aches for your family as I think of You. There are no words that can be spoken other than assurance you are prayed for & loved & interceded for as brought to mind. I have to cling to a God who knows & promised we will see them again.

You are loved by many & do not walk alone,

Suanne Strickland Barrett

Unknown said...

I have followed you since I heard your story. Military wives are always so excited to hear about their new neighbors and I was so excited to hear a family with 5 children would be coming soon. I live on Parris Island and after I heard what happened to you and your children I just cried. I don't know if I have cried that hard since my mother and father died a few years ago. I remember that feeling of everything just standing still and feeling so permanent. There was no turning back and It actually physically pained me to be awake. I have not lost a child, I have 2 girls and I am pregnant with my son. But I know that you lose them, every morning you open your eyes and I know that you ache for them constantly. I pray for you every time you cross my mind, which is so often for someone I have never met. I hope that in time you will feel some peace, you will laugh out loud from your gut, and you will start to really live again.

Nancy T. said...

Oh, sweet Charley wanting to comfort her mama.... No, it seems unfair for Eva, Charley and Max to endure such suffering, and yet we trust that He will carry them and you and Charles. How thankful I am that I got to cuddle Mercy in her early days.

Keep praying and writing-- I know God is using them both!!

With much love,

Nancy