Blink

of an eye…
years flutter by.
littles are grown…
seeds you have sown.
waste not a second…
for then you'll regret it.
little words spoken…
sweet spirits, so open.
eyes filled with wonder…
love roars like thunder.
the love of a child…




Sammy…
"Mommy, please won't you biz up my pants?"
"Is it real, Mommy? Or just pretend?"
"Mommy, is there a ladder tall enough to touch the sky?"

"MOM!  MOM! MOM!!!!  There's a shadow back there!  It's a scary ghost shadow!  Don't BACK UP OR YOU'LL RUN IT OVER!"

"Mommy, I just need 3 more kisses to go to sleep."

Max…
"Mommy, say good-night to Blue Dog!  He wants a kiss!"


Mercy…
"Mommy, when I'm grown up, I want to be a Mommy  and teach little girls to dance!"

Sammy…
"Let me do it, Mommy! I can do it myself!"

"MOM.  MOM! MOMMY!!! I have something special to show you!  Come here, Mommy!"

Farewell Facebook...

WHAT?!?!?!?!  I can hear your collective gasps as we speak.  These gasps are peppered with anxious inquiries...
YOU DEACTIVATED YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT?
WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?
IS IT FOREVER?
HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON?

Well, let me tell you why & quiet the fears that I have lost my mind/will drop off the planet.

For much of the past few years, I have struggled with the direction my life has taken.  I've fought God's plan tooth & nail in my spirit.  I've allowed myself to become overwhelmed & frustrated.  I've succumbed to the endless comparison that is inevitable when you watch the lives of everyone YOU'VE EVER KNOWN unfold on a minute by minute basis.  I've wasted copious amounts of time "surfing" Facebook, reading things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of life.  I've allowed precious time that I could have spent with my sweet children and my wonderful husband to disintegrate as I emotionally check out while reading about how everyone else is spending their existence.  I've stopped recording the precious moments and memories that I so treasure.
Facebook didn't "take" that from me.  I did.
I allowed Facebook to be more important than time with God, time with my husband, time with my kids.  I've watched it disintegrate the time I spend with my childhood family when we're all together…I've sat in the living room on the rare occasions we are all together and felt like I didn't even know how to have a conversation because I can't compete with the inevitable draw of the SMARTPHONE.  I've stayed up too late & not read good books, been cranky with my kids, disconnected from my husband.
For what?
Don't get me wrong, I've been blessed in many ways by the relationships I was able to maintain through FB.  I've read life changing articles, laughed my a** off, cried tears of joy/sorrow/love, celebrated beautiful moments and been incensed by thoughts/opinions/situations.
BUT.
Not one of those things can hold a candle to the love I have for my husband, my children & my family. So today, I bid FB a fond farewell, thank it for our good times, bad times and in between times.  In return, I'll promise to consider one day coming back.
For now, though, I'll be busy adoring the moments I'm living RIGHT NOW.

stay tuned!
love,
tiff

Yup, I went to Wilmington ALL DAY with all 5...

and we survived.
No one peed their pants.
Only one was minus their shoes.
I only forgot one thing and no kids.
I didn't respond with a snarky comment to ANY of the many who "blessed my heart," and questioned whether they were all mine.
I didn't rip the face off the City Mac guy who took THIRTY minutes to check my computer in for a simple RAM upgrade that took 10 minutes.
We made it home in time for Vacation Bible School AND I got to watch Jeopardy.
My kids rock.

Sleep, precious sleep...

Who knew I'd ever again spend as much time coveting a night's sleep as I once did with 3 babies?  Seriously? I've done this… FIVE TIMES.  And I don't mean I've not slept for 5 nights.  I mean 5 babies…with the twins actually counting as 10 babies.  There is nothing quite like the sleep deprivation that comes from nursing 2 babies…
EXCEPT, the sleep deprivation that comes from my food allergies.
"Can't you just have a little?"
"Oh, it's just one bite!"
Nope.
I wish, with every fiber of my being, that I could have that one bite.  That I could snarf down that Krispy Kreme, inhale that Cinnabon, chow down on that deep dish pizza and tear up some fried mushrooms from Outback.
But. I. Can't.
I wasn't super diligent when I went on a trip last month.  I didn't want to be a pain and ask a million questions.  I didn't want to deal with the possibility of embarrassing someone I was with.  I didn't want to feel like I had a spotlight on my head while I investigated the origins of every. single. thing. I put in my mouth.
So, I just didn't ask.
And the cascade of symptoms didn't ask permission either.
I got home exhausted from lack of sleep.
Brain fogged.
Cranky.
Achey.
Intestinally distressed.
And then the lack of sleep just continued…and continued…and continued…
ARG!!!!
For a mom of many, for anyone actually, this is SHEER torture.  If you add being bipolar to that list, it's downright dangerous.
So, in my quest to turn it around and reset my body, cleaning out the offending proteins, I decided to eat a whole lot of quinoa.  Quinoa is great for you & healthy, right??
Guess what?  Quinoa can mimic gluten in your body if you are especially sensitive.  Apparently, I am especially sensitive.
SERIOUSLY?

Finally…almost a month after all this started, last night...
I SLEPT ALL NIGHT!!!
I could win the stinking lottery and not be as grateful as I am right now.

All the Krispy Kremes in the world can't beat my night of sleep.
love,
tiff

Victory in round 1...

Moratorium passed!  The people of Swansboro spoke & the Board of Commissioners (minus 1) listened.  I'm so excited we spoke out for a happy hamlet, and I encourage all of you to continue to let your voices be heard!  And now, I hate to be a wet blanket….
HOWEVER…
We are still in limbo regarding the court case that is pending in Jacksonville that pits the developer, Swansboro Investors, LLC against the Town of Swansboro in regards to the legality of the enacted moratorium.  The fact that it is taking this long for a decision to be rendered concerns me.  It is extremely difficult to fight investors backed by a goliath like Walmart and the single stone we have fired from our David-like little slingshot has yet to fully meet it's mark.  Unfortunately, this fight could be a long one.  I have no doubt that Walmart's investors will push us to the limit if given the opportunity.  The veiled threats from both the attorney for Walmart and the investors themselves have alluded to the financial burden that could result from us refusing to roll over and play dead.  Here is where we have a choice to make and it's important to understand the ramifications of making the right one.
One of the residents that spoke on favor of the proposed large scale retail store has touted the economic benefit of such a business repeatedly.  He has stated that jobs are needed here and this will help fill that need.  He has also stated that the tax benefit is one we cannot afford to pass up.
Baloney.
I'll just jettison the tax issue first.  The supposed tax benefit does not go directly into our town coffers.  It has to go through  complex process/formula through the state that determines what benefit we may receive.  The max is around $100K per year.  Sounds like a lot, doesn't it?  It's a pittance when viewed in light of the additional services the town will have to provide to offset the effects of a business of this type and size.  Just one extra police officer would cost the town over 1/3 of that amount.  And I'd venture to say that one extra cop just won't cut it in that situation.
Our town doesn't need 250 minimum wage jobs.  What is does need is a business or businesses that will provide a variety of jobs to both skilled and unskilled labor.  This means a balanced mix of reasonably sized retailers and businesses that will meet the needs of many of our residents. An ideal example would be an assisted living facility or Veteran's home.  While that type of facility would need to be approved for conditional zoning, I believe it would stand a stronger chance due to the type of commerce and support it could bring to our town.  It would not only provide a service for our aging population, but would also energize our economy with employment in many areas, to include: medical professionals, marketing professionals, community organizers, administrative professionals, insurance agents, food service workers, and dietitians.  THAT is the type of growth we need in our area!
So, let's not get complacent because we have this small victory.  We STILL have to let our Commissioners, planning board and town manager know what we want for our community.  Speak out, Swansboro!
Still fighting for my town!!
Tiff

Fighting for my Friendly City by the Sea...

23 years I have been on this roller coaster.  23 years I have searched for a PLACE I can call home…  A place I can raise my kids, feel safe at night, know the locals by name, walk the streets at night, send my kids to the park, PLACE.
Swansboro is my place.
Well, enter the bully.
Just about 2 months ago, I found out a large scale retailer was on the hunt to invade my home.  On the sly, under the radar, surreptitiously…they bought land under another corporation, applied for building permits and proceeded to try to slide in and change MY TOWN.
Yup, I call it MY TOWN.  Why?  I bought a house here, I pay taxes here, I vote here and doggonit, I am raising my FIVE precious blessings here.  So, you bet your bottom dollar it's my town.  I've chosen to support the local economy wherever & whenever I can and I am highly invested in making sure that the economy and the character of the town that supports it remain intact.
I have attended every town hall meeting I can, and spoken out in support of maintaining this quaint, fantastic little town that I am blessed to call home.  I wanted to walk away from tonight's meeting feeling confident, feeling certain that the democracy we have founded our country on will play out in favor of our town.
But.  I. just. don't.
Why?
Well, I'll tell you why.  Big box retailers have BIG, DEEP pockets.  They make serious sport out of scaring small towns like Swansboro into turning tail and running in the face of expensive opposition.  They weigh the cost of the legal battle against the long term gain of decimating and destroying the local economy.  Then they determine if the little town will have the cojones to take on the fight.  Guess what?  99% of those little towns just cave & take the hit.  And they topple over like a house of cards, succumbing to the idea that growth is inevitable and we just don't have a choice.
Guess what?  We DO HAVE A CHOICE!
This is our town.  Do you hear me?  OUR TOWN!  Fight for what you believe in!  Fight for the character of this place you have chosen to call home!  Fight for PROPER growth, grounded in common sense and continuity with the character and vivacity of our town!
As someone who has spent my life searching for home and finally found it, I can promise you I will NOT give up without a fight.
The city of Swansboro has a contingency fund for just this reason.  If we don't fight for who we are now, we may as well just roll over & play corporate. dead. America.
Tell your commissioners you want to fight!  Show up next Tuesday, July 15 at the town hall meeting and state it loud and clear!  We don't want to follow the herd and NO, change isn't inevitable.  Fight for what you believe in, Swansboro!  Hold true to our motto…
Swansboro, the Friendly (little) City by the Sea.

Sometimes His plans are just so much better….

I think I need that tattooed on my forehead.  Seriously, it'd have to be backwards so I could read it in the mirror, and then I'd not only have a tat on my forehead, but no one but me would be able to read it…I've already got my pastor convinced my husband needs extra prayer, this may send him over the edge…HAHAHAHA
Sometimes, he takes us to a place of utter bleakness (is that a word, Lori V.?, ) in order to bring us back into the light, to a place filled with the joy of knowing that he has a plan for us and it's just so much better than anything we could have ever imagined, planned, made happen, whatever!

5 kids.  That was most certainly not in my plan.  If you'd asked me in my late 20's if I was going to have ANY, I'd have laughed in your face.
Homeschooling?  Not on your life.
Living in Swansboro?  Have you lost your mind?!

His plan.  Perfect.

My plan this week was to have our family be a part of Journey to the Cross at our church, an intense and moving journey through Christ's last days.  Well….that wasn't His plan.  And I know, it seems a bit of an oxymoron for Him to have a plan that takes us out of THAT.  Well, last night He showed me why.

Rewind a bit...Max & Mercy have been battling fevers, overall exhaustion, snot, sore throats and no appetite on and off for about a week or 2.  Tuesday, Mercy's neck started hurting and I thought she had pulled a muscle.  Then Wednesday night, she couldn't turn her head and Max had a lymph node on the side of his neck that was hard and hugely swollen.  Doc visit Thursday morning = Strep for both & poor Mercy has a nasty case of torticollis from the severity of her swollen lymph nodes.  All this resulted in our family having to pull out of Journey.  Big SAD FACE!  Eva & Charley were especially bummed.  :-(  So, what's the point?  Well, read on, my friends.

It was just a trip to the commissary.  Charley begged to go and even though what I really craved was a quiet trip alone, I caved.  On the way home, as I was driving, I felt prompted to ask her a question.  (A little background here…whenever you ask Charley about growing up, she pulls a total Peter Pan and tells you that is NOT happening.  She absolutely does NOT want to grow up.  This answer has NEVER changed.)
Me: "So, Charley, I have a question.  IF you ever decided that you MIGHT grow up, what do you want to do with your life?"
Charley: "I want to be a MISSIONARY!"
Me: (stunned, shocked and almost speechless…) "Why do you want to be a missionary?"
Charley:  "I want to tell people about what God did for us when Jesus died on the cross!"
Me: teary, speechless…

Suffice it to say that following this conversation, Charley then informed me that she was ready to be baptized.

AGAIN.  Speechless.


Now, I'll clarify.  I'm not speechless because she has decided she is ready.  I'm speechless at God's timing in all this. I've doubted myself so often lately and have really struggled with whether or not we're  hearing His whispers through the crush of our daily lives.  And I've really struggled with feeling like we're not doing the "right things" when it comes to their hearts.  God knew her father & I needed this, He knew it was time to see fruit, He knew it was time for her to come to Him in baptism.

His plan.

His timing. 

His perfect peace.

As we move toward the Cross this week, recognizing and rejoicing in His resurrection, my heart is filled to the brim with thankfulness for ALL He blesses us with, even illnesses that seem inconvenient and painful at the time.

As it says in Luke 6:45, "For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."  My Charley's heart is full of love for the Lord!

Thank you Jesus.
Love,
clan mac mama
p.s. That picture is Charley at 2 weeks old…He was already telling me to be patient, to wait for His timing.  :-)

I dare say, I think lost my way...

for a bit.  That may be an understatement of tremendous proportions.
Cue the following scenario…
2 parents + 2 kids
2 parents + 2 kids + 2 in utero kids + 1 deployment + 1 promotion + 1 cross country move + 1 more baby + 1 house built + homeschooling + 1 more deployment + 1 husband going back to school + 1 mommy with stupid food allergies + a serious fall from faith and, well…
you get the picture.
It's been downright toilsome about these here parts.
I stupidly let my struggles become public knowledge and now I feel the heat of the eyes of the world upon me…

4 years of homeschooling.
4 years of trying to find my way.
4 years of feeling like a failure.
4 years of constantly feeling the need to defend our family & what we have chosen.
4 years of watching my marriage take a HUGE beating.
4 years of allowing the world and the people in it to dictate what my life should be.
Finally, finally, finally, I learned something drastically important.
It doesn't matter ONE BIT what the world thinks, what society says, what any single person says.  What matters is this.
God.
His will.
His path.
His love.
I don't care if my children can pass a test.  I don't care if my children can ride the bus. I don't care if my children are "socialized."  I care about their hearts, hearts that God has trusted me with…to nurture, to mold, to teach, to fill with compassion, empathy, knowledge, love, faith, joy and hope.
I never have been and never will be a "man-pleaser."  Maybe that is why God called our family to homeschool.  Maybe He called me because He knew I had a few that would need a different approach.  Maybe He called me because he needed to create in me a "clean heart," and this was His way of effecting that change.  Maybe He called me because He knew I just don't play well with others…(haha!) Honestly, I don't know and I don't care why He called me.  I just know He did.

Frankly, I am well aware that not everyone is called to this, just like not everyone is called to pastor, to teach, to build, to practice medicine, to make music,  to serve our country.  If we were all called to the exact same thing, the world would be a boring place indeed.  (My bad, we are in the process of trying to raise entire generations of children that have to BE IN EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE AS EVERYONE ELSE JUST WHEN THE GOVERNMENT SAYS THEY SHOULD BE.)  Society views our kids as their property and tells us that we have to answer to the collective for our parenting choices.  I call bullish*t!

Our children are the most precious gift we are given.  And they truly don't belong to us.  They belong to God, and are simply loaned to us by Him.  It is our God-given responsibility to ensure that we bring them up rooted firmly in faith, in Him, surrounded by love and grace.  Each child is created in God's own image, yet each of them is vastly different.  How we bring them up in His image is different for each and every one of us.  And that is perfectly all-right!  At what point are we going to stop defending our parenting choices and stand up for what we believe is right FOR OUR FAMILY?

Seriously, everyone in my family and Charles' family sends their kids to school.  I DON'T HAVE  A PROBLEM with that.  They are great kids with great parents who are doing exactly what they believe is right for THIER kids.  What I have a problem with is the constant need society as a whole feels to defend what we choose because we are so consumed with public opinion.  MOVE ON, people.

In short, I've let the devil lead me around by my nose for entirely too long, doubting the plans God has made for me and my little brood.  He has called me to it & He will equip me.

To each of you that has been a sounding board, therapist, prayer partner, etc…Thank you!  I'm just not one of those keep it closeted type of chicks, so I may have inadvertently said too much…  Oops.   No judging!

So, now that I've gotten that off my chest…

Carry on, my friends.
love,
clan mac mama






 

According to Sam, I'm now...

a Super & I've got BOOM power! (In his world, a "Super" is a superhero and we have all been assigned specific powers in his "Super" world.) BOOM, go clean your ROOM, you little terd!

According to Mercy…she would prefer a regular teacher because "it's not good that you yell." This is usually followed by her fawning all over me & telling me how much she loves me, how pretty I am and how much she misses me when I'm gone.  (As if that ever happens.  I homeschool & live in my pajamas.  Going out takes too much effort. HAHA.)

According to Max…he has no power, but he is a magical snowman named Olaf.

According to Charley…she is NEVER growing up & I am the BEST MOM EVER.  (I really am.  I let her wear train conductor striped overalls that are too short with random funky shirts & crazy big DC tennis shoes.  Top this with a baseball cap & you've got the cutest tomboy EVER.)

 According to Eva…well, she's 11 and I'm boring, so there is nothing to report here.  Actually, that is a big fat lie.  We are weird unsocialized homeschoolers, so she still thinks I'm cool, is obsessed with what fads were popular when I was her age, what a mullet looked like, why my mom wouldn't buy me parachute pants, what my favorite fad was AND she does think I'm pretty cool.

Finally, according to Mommy, these 2 are officially growing up too fast!  Where did the last 5 years go???

I think I just rocked him to sleep for the last time...

I think I wore him out on purpose.
I think I made him eat his dinner through his sobs on purpose.
I think I deprived him of a nap on purpose (2 days in a row...)

I think I am not ready to leave baby years behind.  I'm NOT READY!!!!!! (cue hissy fit, accompanied by jumping up & down, fist shaking, tears, stomping...etc...YOU GET THE PICTURE.)
I don't miss sleepless nights...(thanks to my revolving door of littles, I still have them.)
I don't miss barf and poopy diapers.
I don't miss the suitcase required to leave the house for a 5 minute errand.

I do miss...
baby breath...
sleepy snuggles...
sweet faces buried in my shoulder...
giant cloth diapered butts...
messy kisses...
arms held high to hold on tight...
sweetness, innocence, a face alight...

This season simply passed so fast...
I wish I could have made it last.
The days I wished would speed on by,
went so quick I cry and cry.
I'll find a way to slow the days,
I'll change my frantic, crazy ways.
If I don't, my regret will grow,
This much... I truly know.

I rocked him to sleep as I sang and sang...

love,
clan mac mama