A Mommy...

was really all I ever wanted to be.
But I really think it scared me for the longest time.  That thought of being responsible for another human being.  Being entrusted with a tiny little life, self, heart and soul.  How on earth could I possibly do that when most of the time I didn't seem to be doing such a bang up job for myself?

Apparently I figured some of it out and didn't let fear get in my way, since up until 6 weeks ago, I had 5 amazing, happy, blessed little people to call my own little tribe.  And, oh sweet Jesus, how I loved my little tribe.  I would have made that tribe bigger if I could have.  I adored my big family.  The chaos might have driven me crazy and the noise impaired my hearing, but it was the beautiful music that was my life.

And then I put them on an airplane, innocently unaware that I would never see 2 of them again this side of heaven.  I put them on that plane so we could get the grunt work of our bazillionth PCS move done and they could finally meet some of their Texas family.  I put them on that plane believing they would come back to me.  Safe.  Whole.  Alive.

I. was. wrong.

I never dreamed that I wouldn't hold them in my arms again.  That I'd be standing in front of Yana's in Swansboro when words that I still can't even speak bubbled from Charles' mouth.  That I would collapse in a fit of screaming and wailing and hyperventilating.  That I would never. again. feel their hearts beat against mine.
the whisper of sweet breath on my face.
the gentle snuggle of a hug.
the sweet kisses of soft lips.
the whispered "I love you, Mommy…"

Countless hours are spent every single day recounting the time that led to that trip.  Why did I send them?  Why didn't I say they weren't allowed on ATV's?  Why couldn't I just get the damn move done with them underfoot?  Other people do it!  Why didn't I?
For the love of all that is holy, why MY CHILDREN?  Why 2 of them?  Was it not enough that we should lose one?  Was it not enough to rip our hearts out once?  More than one person has said I never do anything small-why the hell did that part of who I am have to include the lives of my children?!

I want time to stop.  I don't want the world to go on and everyone else's lives to be normal.  Because mine never, ever, EVER, will again.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, but in some weird twisty way, I just want time to cease.  Because maybe if it ceases, the searing pain that causes me to wail like a dead cat while I stuff myself into a tiny hammock because its the only thing that brings me peace-maybe it will cease too.  If only for a moment.  Just one moment where I don't want to die just so I can hold them again.

But I can't die.  I have 3 other blessings that will need me more now than they ever have.  The horrible things that Eva and Charley witnessed have forever changed who they are, who they will be and how they will live.  The loneliness that encompasses each of them, especially Max, has drastically altered the landscape of their formerly innocent young hearts.

My heart breaks a little more every time I look at the sweet babies I still get to hold.  And I simply beg God to work a miracle in each of them.  I beg him to fill the cracks and the holes that puncture their hearts and souls.   He is the balm that will soothe their wounds.  And someday, I pray, that He will soothe mine.

I pray for purpose.  I pray for peace.  I pray for refuge.  I pray for forgiveness and grace.
In short-I just pray.  There is simply nothing else that I can do.

The enemy will undoubtedly use our pain, sadness and anger to create more evil in a fallen world.
Franky, the choice we have is simple.  Do we let him?  Or do we allow ourselves to be refined by the fire, to be clay in His hands, to someday have our sackcloth removed and be clothed with joy as we serve Him and glorify His good purpose?

Every single day is a battle of epic proportions.
Every. single. day.

A battle that can only be won through the power of our God…
by His might,
in His strength,
for His glory.

Pray for our family, please.  Just pray.

I love you to the moon and back, Mercy & Sammy.  Mama misses you more than you'll ever know.

love,
clan mac mama