For my Sammy - love, mama.

 Sam, Sammy, my little Sam-man, Samuel Charles (this was when you were in trouble!) my pocket baby, my shadow, my "I'm never going to move away, mama, I'll always live next door," precious, amazing boy.  

I'm so very sorry.  I'm sorry I've hidden away for so long and not written about you or Mercy.  I'm sorry I haven't been able to find a way to remember you well without it hurting so much that I just want to somehow make my way to you in Heaven.  I'm sorry our family is so broken without the 2 of you.  It's just that we can't seem to find our way to joy because the pieces of our hearts are still just so jagged.  Will we ever feel that softness of a stitched together heart?  

You'd be 12 today.  When I can, I let myself imagine what you would be like.  Such a little tank, your personality double the size of your stout little body and your smile filled with enough wattage to light up the Empire State Building - how would that translate to your 12 year old self?  I think maybe you & Max would have ended up a powerhouse team on the football field - his fleet feet flying down as a running back and your stout strength protecting him on the line.  Maybe you'd have decided music wasn't stupid and been a part of the little family band I always dreamed of.  (To be clear, you loved music - but performing it in front of people?  Heck to the no on that one!) 

I think you'd be reading like a fiend all the time - your favorite thing to do with mama was read.  The same books over and over again - Yes, I really do love you no matter what, Stinky Face, Elmo really is the Monster at the End of This Book, we really did Take the Moon for Walk Last Night and I Will Love You for Always, I'll like you forever, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.  I think you might have been taller than we anticipated and definitely still built like a tank.  

Maybe your hair would still be in a little mohawk?  You LOVED your "hawk."  "Mama, you do my hawk hair?"  Jessica lives here again!  She cuts Max's hair - and every time she does, my heart looks for you to take your turn in the chair again.  The 2 of you would probably have convinced me to dye your hair blue- and I'd have given in just because of the wattage of your smile and the hug you loved to give combined with the wattage of hers and I'd have lost the battle.  

I wonder if you'd be a writer like Eva, Charley and Max?  They each have a little gift for words - I pray they never lose it and use it to honor God, our family and you and Mercy.  Oh buddy, they miss you so very much.  So. very. much.  They hurt so much that it shatters my heart over and over again.  And none of us is really very good at knowing what to do with all the sad in our spirits.  

Sammy - I don't know what it means to celebrate a birthday you'll never be here for again, but I know that the only thing I can do is celebrate the 5 years the Lord loaned you to us and remember the infinite love that flooded my heart when you quietly entered this world 12 years ago today. 

 I can remember the mornings you'd sneak into my room at 5:30, your Bible in hand to "study" quietly with me.  I'll rest in those moments in the car when you'd ask for the radio to be off just so you could sit in the peace of no noise.  I'll recall the moments you'd sit so quietly as I read to you, eagerly awaiting the next page or the next book.  I'll wish I had said yes when you would sneak into my room in the middle of the night and whisper, "mama, I sleep wit chew?"  And I'll laugh with the all the loud moments - your enthusiasm for EVERYTHING - (except when you didn't get a present you liked or found out Fred was the present.  Oh son, you were loud, all right.  No one could throw a tantrum quite like you did.) Your stomp across the floor tantrums, door slamming and wailing.  And then your tear stained face asking mama for forgiveness and a hug. I'll be ever so grateful for the large and loud personality the Lord blessed you with - because it imprinted so much into our family in such a short time.  

And the your leaving created - It isn't a hole. It's a bottomless crater that I will spend my life attempting to fill and knowing that there is simply no way that I can.  

I will selfishly wish that instead of dancing with Jesus, you and Mercy were still dancing with me, and Daddy, Eva, Charley and Max.  Always and forever.  

Happiest of Birthdays, my son.  

mama loves you - to the moon and back, to Heaven and always for eternity.  

Today is one day closer to holding you in my arms again.  

Even in Darkness...

there is always the tiniest sliver of light.  We may think the darkness is absolute, the light snuffed and smothered, the lamp extinguished.  

And yet, the light is always there.  

My soul has been in despair, in a darkness that felt so absolute, I couldn't see even that tiniest sliver.  But- 

it. was. there.  

all along. 

For a long time now, I've stumbled my way through this life that I simply do not want.  I wake up most mornings filled with dread, still shocked 6 1/2 years later that THIS is my life.  I isolate, create distance, hide.  I've even gone so far as to try and hide from God.  And while it may not look like that to those around me, because I'm still standing and didn't deny the existence of a God who allowed me to have all of those beautiful children and that precious family life knowing that in one single instant it would all be reduced to ashes...

I did.  I tried to hide. 

But today, because He loves me and someone else that loves me listened to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I remembered.  I really remembered.

He surrounds me and I am simply never alone.  

I cannot go anywhere that He is not with me. 

He knew before He formed me, before He knit me together in my mother's womb- 

He knew all that would be and all that will be.  

And in His great love and faithfulness, He wove the earthly tapestry of love and faith that would carry me in all the days, the beautiful, the messy, the lonely and most of all -  the earth shattering, heartbreaking, soul crushing days of being a grieving mother.  

Even in darkness, I will find the light.

Where can I go from your Spirit? 

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 

If i rise on the wings of the dawn, 

if I settle on the far side of the sea, 

even there your hand will guide me, 

your right hand will hold me fast. 

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me 

and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day, 

for darkness is as light to you.

                                                                               Psalm 139 : 7 -12   

Becca - 

we may be cousins by birth, but you- 

you are my sister in Christ and that is even more precious.  

Bless your beautiful soul for your faithfulness, 

kindness and grace. 

The Christ light you radiate is so very bright and lovely.  

And your gift to me was exactly what the Holy Spirit knew I needed.  

You listened. 

Thank you. 

All my love, 

clan mac mama 

Even in Darkness by Morgan Cheek is a grief devotional born of the faith and pain of another grieving mama.   Becca gifted it to me and it inspired me to write this post.  

Even in Darkness by Morgan Cheek is a grief devotional that my beautiful cousin Becca gifted to me.