Sunday, January 20, 2019

10 years ago today-

a double blessing came our way.
hearts broken by a babe lost in the womb
were mended in a delivery room
Mercy joined us, oh so quickly!
Max, he was a bit more prickly...
17 minutes he lagged behind.
quite determined to take his time.
Not even a year had passed us by
when Sammy became a twinkle in my eye.
And just that fast,
our family become much more vast!
Twins who adored one another,
quickly took to their little brother.
Much like triplets they seemed to be,
a happy little band of three.
Lil' mamas, Eva and Charley became,
every little thing was made a game!
Each outing was a great adventure,
our little crew always at the center...
of all the chaos and commotion,
precious, curious, whirling in motion.
another 2 years passed, then 3 and 4,
till suddenly 2 of them were no more.
The double blessing was cracked, then broken,
the littlest one, too, could never be woken.
A family fractured, torn and battered,
every dream into tiny shards was shattered.

Now 3 precious ones remain,
here upon this earthly domain.
The time has come to dream new dreams,
to mend and repair the tattered seams,
to find the strength, to see the joy,
of the memories of that girl and boy,
who changed the core of who we are,
who from our hearts are never far.

Redeem us from this lonely place,
fill us with Your saving grace!
For until it is Your face I see,
wrapped in your embrace I must be.

On this day, we'll laugh, we'll cry,
we'll let their love be a lullaby,
comfort and peace we will gain,
a salve to our hearts in their pain.

Remember the love they shared while near,
and keep them in your heart all year.




















Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Finding home...

We're trying so hard to "find home."
We've been praying.
Weighing pros and cons.
Sending emails and doing research.
Scouring the internet for possibilities.
Looking at finances.
Trying to wrap our brains around what it would feel like to sell the home we built to raise our big family in. 
Contemplating what it might feel like to wake up in it again, not such a big family anymore.  Every day.  Without them.  
And knowing we just can't. 
Yet also knowing that this house, this precious and sweet bungalow that has provided us shelter and quiet in these past 3 1/2 years, this is not my home anymore.
HOME. 
It's the place where we can have ALL the things.  In one place. Where we can have a room to unpack every single box of their things.  We can hang their clothes and put up their artwork.  We can touch the things that touched them, that lived in their rooms, that were part of the life they lived so quickly, and brightly
and
so. very. beautifully.
I can't do this anymore.  I can't keep walking into that storage shed and seeing their lives all boxed up.  I can't walk into the house where I raised them and see their cribs and beds and dressers shoved into an attic and covered with dust.  See Mercy's little rocking horse and Sammy's pirate ship-dirty and unloved.
Because that's how this makes me feel. It's grief interrupted, and it's just that.
Dirty and unloved.
We have a precious memorial garden we can't ever seem to tend to, homes we try desperately to take care of and topsy turvy lives that seem to spin faster and faster each and every day.
Because we're just stretched far too thin.  Trying to grieve your children and grieve with your children, hold your marriage together, keep all the balls spinning and face a harsh and impatient world every single day is utterly exhausting.
I just want to wake up in a HOME where it's all in one place.  And I can open the damn boxes and lose my sh*t.  Wail and cry and be covered in snot.  And yell about the unfairness of it all. But-
Then we can remember.
And all the feels that come with that-we'll have those too.  Joy. Laughter. Love. Togetherness. Wholeness.
All the things.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I just want this thing, this one thing, to be easy.  Nothing has been easy in the past 3 1/2 years.  NOTHING.  And when I say nothing, I MEAN IT.
I just want a house that fits my family, all of it.  In a neighborhood where my kids can have friends and play, where I can maybe make an attempt to do the mom and friend things I used to.  Where I can sit on my porch and look at trees, feel the breeze and watch my kids play.  A place where I can make Sam & Mercy feel alive in my heart again.
I want this thing, this one thing that is so important to me, to what's left of my family-to be easy.  
For the love-I sound like a 2 year old.  And I know it.  my spirit is tattered and worn out. and so utterly sad.  and I know, deep in my soul, that this is what we need.  To go through those boxes-TOGETHER.  To bring them back into our lives in a tangible way.  To know them again.   
In our HOME. 
Sweet Jesus, I know it's earthly and worldly and all that other stuff.  But I'm going to ask, no BEG.  Please, for the love, make this easy.  Help us be wise and discerning and all those other "adulting" words so that we can find a home for this season of life and of our grief.  Here on this earth, to shelter us and give us rest, until we come to our forever home with You.
amen.
love,
clan mac mama