for the last time.
It's fitting that I'm listening to the sounds of a thunderstorm as I write these words. It's as if all the anger and bitterness that has rooted in my heart is pouring out of the sky and dispersing itself into the wind. Fragmented and broken into tiny raindrops that can't be made whole again.
Because anger and bitterness should never be whole or complete. And the only way I can keep it from covering me again is to bury myself in the truth.
I am a beloved child of God.
He IS faithful.
He didn't take my children to teach me a lesson or develop my character.
And he hasn't been absent from life these last 2 years-
He's been beside me every step of the way, even when I have chosen to the slam the door in His face and on His voice and on His Word.
It's been nearly TWO years since I wrote a single word in my journals.
TWO YEARS.
Two years of flailing, swimming aimlessly upstream in a sea of grief and pain that has felt like a prison sentence.
FOUR years of learning to live earthly life with ever present sorrow, because even in the midst of the most joyful moments, there is sorrow.
Maybe that's why I stopped my journals and slammed the door on my spirit.
Ever present sorrow is utterly exhausting.
And I'm human, so I chose the path of my own strength instead of the One that gives true strength and rest.
And I'm so sorry.
But if there's one thing I'm certain of, it's this-
it is never, ever, too late to trust in the Lord again.
Today, on the day that marks the very last time I ever held ALL of my children in my arms, I am filled with immense gratitude.
For the time the Lord blessed me with all of them, even when He knew that I would only have some of them for a little while.
That He laid the groundwork for a family in the body of Christ that would walk beside us in the pit of despair, refusing to give up on us and keeping us covered in love, prayer and His Word.
For the gift of His weaving intricate details and relationships, ones that would bear incredible fruit for not just me, but for my husband and my children.
That He has renewed my spirit, even as I continue to walk through the anger and despair, the bitterness and fear.
For the gifts He will bring to help glue the fractured pieces of my heart into one that can find hope in the future, joy in the midst of sorrow and purpose in pain.
I know that none of this has surprised Him.
He knows the end from the beginning and every choice that we will make.
And he paves the way with the Holy Spirit-whispering into our souls and hearts continually, even when we refuse to listen.
I'm listening, Lord. I promise-I'm listening.
Will you listen too?
Whatever you're walking through today, friends, it's not bigger than God. I promise. Even when it feels like it-
it. is. not.
Trust Him with it.
I'll pray that you can and maybe you can pray that I can.
Because a cord of 3 strands is not easily broken
and where 2 or more are gathered in His name, He is there.
Be there, gather, pray. Invite Him in.
I weep with grief; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your laws.
Psalm 119:28-30
all my love,
clan mac mama
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