Dude. That is a LONG time. That means I'm creeping up on FIFTY!
We literally had not one clue what being married meant when we planned that big, beautiful shindig and got all dressed up and said some I Do's 23 years ago.
And when I say not one clue, I am NOT KIDDING.
Sometimes I think we didn't figure it out until kid #5 and deployment #2. We may have started to get a clue when #3 & 4 were incubating and hubby was deployed...
but seriously. I don't think we really got it until our kids died.
Because that's when the proverbial "rubber hit the road."
I will NEVER forget the brutally honest conversation we had with close friends just a week after Sam and Mercy ran ahead to Jesus.
My precious friend and fellow loss mom looked right at me and told me a day would come when we'd want to walk away. That the anger and the grief and the pain would all tie themselves around each other and the enemy would convince me that I'd be better off without him. Or that he would be better off without me.
I wish I could tell you she was wrong.
But she wasn't.
Marriage under normal circumstances is hard, under the kind of circumstances we've walked in the last 3 1/2 years-I'm not sure there's a word that encompasses that kind of challenge.
Hanging on to your marriage through the devastation we've faced?
Walking through child loss (x2) and coming out with your marriage intact?
That's just about miraculous.
And if I want to be completely transparent, I'm not sure I really believe in miracles.
What I believe in is this-
Holy Spirit led transformation.
That is the ONLY explanation I can truly believe in. I. KNOW. with all I am, that it is not in my own strength, or my husband's, that we are still standing. It is the groans of the prayers that we couldn't put into words, the fragrant offering of appeals on our behalf, and the tenacity of a Heavenly Father who strengthens us to persevere when we have nothing left.
It is an alternating yin and yang of who refuses to give up-when my reserves and my spirit have hit the bottom, Charles will pick up the pieces to push the enemy out of our home and our union. When he is depleted, it's me who stands in the gap and finds the will to keep fighting for our family.
I promise you, there is no greater victory for evil than the destruction of a family that loves the Lord.
HA!-Guess what?
I'm a sore loser, so losing this battle is not an option.
Charles-I love you, I love all of our children and even with the pain, I really do love our life. Do I wish it was different and ALL of our babies were celebrating with us today? Of course I do! I will never stop yearning for what should have been. But while we wait for what will be-a glorious reunion at the feet of Jesus-I'll keep loving and living THIS life with you.
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Proverbs 3:3
All my love,
Always-
clan mac mama
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