Tuesday, June 05, 2018

It's your birthday, Sammy...

You'd be 8 today.  Oh my, I can just imagine how excited you'd be.  You LOVED your birthday.  The last one we celebrated was the best of all of them.  You spent the whole day with your sibling tribe, surrounded by gifts and love-and ended the day the best pool party ever with all your pals.  I remember looking at you that day and realizing that my little boy wasn't so little anymore.  Your face had "grown up" in that last year of your life.  Your pudgy baby cheeks were thinner and, while it broke my heart a little, it truly just made me so excited to see you grow, all at the same time.
You were such a study in contrasts, my son.  One minute you'd be tough as nails and ready to duke it out over whatever you were currently mired in and the next you'd be a bundle of crocodile tears, searching for mama.  You had one short little fuse and very little patience for giving up your way, but you also had the biggest heart for your brother and sisters-Heaven help anyone who might have offended or hurt one of them-the wrath of Sammy was a force to be reckoned with.  Who knew one day I'd miss hearing your fat little feet stomp like an elephant on the way to slam the door to your room, where you'd wail like a 2 year old until mama came in to make it all better.  (Which I mostly didn't do, you little turkey.  You knew I wasn't playing that game!  So you'd wail a while and just when my patience was almost depleted, you'd stop and crack the door open with a little whimper, saucer like tear-stained eyes blinking, and you'd whisper..."mama?")
You gave the BEST hugs.  You'd wrap your arms all the way around my neck and bury your face in my shoulder, your legs gripping my waist for dear life.  It's the way I held you the last birthday of your life when you asked me, "what was it like when I was born, mama?"  To this day, I think the Holy Spirit prompted you to ask me that question, to cement the beauty of that moment in my brain for when I couldn't hold your precious, living body in my arms ever again.
I forget things now, you know.  And watching your videos and looking at your pictures is still just so incredibly painful.  But it makes me remember and I so desperately want to remember- every. single. moment.  And when other people bless me and send me their memories and photos, it soothes the rough edges and brings me joy to see you carried in the hearts of others who loved you.
I completely lost it last night.  Snot and tears and sobbing and aching words pouring from my lips, probably making not a lick of sense.  And just like Miss Tolly rescued you from that pool on Charley's 7th birthday, she rescued me from my tears and let me cry all over her.  Because she loved you and she loves me and all of us.  It's beyond comprehension to me how I have been blessed with so many who love us unconditionally in the midst of all this pain and all the hard things that go with it.
I know it would break your heart to see mama cry.  But I also know that these tears and this pain and this sorrow is all the love that has nowhere to go now.  You & Mercy's earthly absence has left a hole nothing can ever fill.  Not a single thing.
So today, on your special day, a day that I never thought would be so filled with sorrow and pain, I will try for each moment of the day, to remember with joy all the love you filled my life for the years I was blessed to have you in my arms.
Happy Birthday Sammy-
I love you more than to the moon and back.
I love you forever, for always and for eternity.
mama








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