It hit me today. I watched 3 or 4 solid hours of Desperate Housewives tonight. The mindless entertainment gave the wheels of my mind the time needed to turn and settle. Settle into the realization that I've left my home, my friends, my students, my safe place.
Lately I find myself oddly drawn to every bearded gray haired man i see, wishing in some recess of my mind that my Dad will appear in the distance, coming closer with each step, reaching in to envelope me in the only bear hug in the world that makes me feel truly safe. There was a time in my life when I felt I had no safe place to land, a time when my father was my safety net. I may be all grown up now and somewhere in my mind I know I will be okay, but it doesn't take away my need for that hug.
Poor evie. Lately she seems to get the brunt of my frustrations. My intuition tells me that she feels the same way I do, lost and adrift, but our similar personalities somehow set us further apart, rather than drawing us together. This frightens me more for the future than it does now. How do I find a way to reach her, to let her know that it's me she can turn to? Let her know that I understand and I want to be her safety net? I NEED this, I NEED to understand her. I love her so much that sometimes it hurts and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to communicate with her. Isn't there a book somewhere that I can read? I already know the answer to that question. If there was, we'd all be better parents, better children, better spouses. The book is me. My life. My thoughts, intuitions, fears, ideas, & hopes. Looking inside myself will help me find the answer to my most cherished accomplishment: my children.
I MISS MY FRIENDS. Annie, it does some like forever since I left and it hasn't even been a week. Leaving was never as hard as it was for me to get on that plane. & you can bet the farm I've left more places than I care to count.
Here's to every memory, good and bad. To each friend I was blessed with, every drop of rain, every humid day, every gestured conversation, every rollerslide, every grain of sand, every food court lunch, every gecko in my bed, every first friday, every music class and every moment with my babies & my amazing husband on my island oasis.
We start anew in sunny So Cal soon. I know I'll make the best of it, but pardon me my mourning for a few weeks more. I haven't read my doll yet, there isn't enough wine or kleenex in my hotel room.
Thanks for the love. Thanks for the memories. Just thanks. I love you all.
Dad, I could really use that hug now.
tiffers
3 comments:
I am right there with you! I miss my Dad and he is only three hours away. His recent heart-attack had a great impact on me. Okay, I know that sounds selfish but I love my Daddy. It is because of him that I learned to forget the work and just have fun. I model my relationship with my kids after my relationship with him. And if there is a book out, LET ME KNOW!!! I love Sammi but OMG, she can drive me nuts. I would love to understand her moods. I know. I could look in the mirror but I wonder how we will ever get through this and still love eachother. I miss being the "best mom in the world" to her. Truthfully, I miss being the world to her.
Yes, I would love the book too. I know how you feel about the Mom thing. I want to be the best Mommy in the world and sometimes I feel like the worst. Sami is so moody and demanding. I just don't know what to do sometimes.
Tiff, I miss you!!!! I have wanted to pick up the phone so many times this week.
Tiffany,
I am also a Daddy's girl so I could relate to your post. Hang in there with the move. It was a really rough one for us...something about leaving Okinawa! Reach out for help and support where you can get it and know that you are not alone. And yes wouldn't it be wonderful if there truly was a parenting book that solved everything. Thanks for you comments on our blog. Send me your new e-mail I can't seem to find that message you sent out. We will be in Oceanside in June.
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