9 years -

 since our world, our life and our family blew into a thousand tiny fragments.  Shattered hearts, stitched and glued back together have traversed 9 long years trying to find ways to be whole when giant pieces of us are missing. 

Some years, I can push through this day, shoving the memories down, keeping the soul screams quiet and squeezing my brain shut. Not this year. This year, each day in June has felt like a ticking clock, speeding and yet creeping inevitably to this day.  When we stood in a street and I screamed for my Sammy until I couldn't scream anymore.  When we silently sobbed and prayed our way through interminable travel to see our sweet Mercy, only to find her already with Jesus.  

I read their obituaries today.  I NEVER do that.  I can remember sitting on the screened in porch of the house we stayed in when we returned "home" and begging the Lord to give me the words to honor them.  Brian happened upon me as I sat there, staring at my computer.  I don't remember it, but I'm positive he prayed with me.  In His kindness, The Lord gave me these words.  

Mercy Elaine McCawley lit the world up with her joy just 17 minutes before her brother Max on January 20, 2009. For the 6 glorious years the Lord lent her to us, she melted every single heart she met. The light that radiated from her was simply the pure and blissful heart of a child that loved Jesus more than she loved anything or anyone else.

A heart so pure, a light so bright

Dancing was her heart's delight!

Barefoot princess in the night,

Mommy will you hold me tight?

Love one another, He commanded us all,

Gracefully she answered His call.

The face of Jesus she longed to see,

Dance with Him, Mercy, in eternity.

Samuel Charles McCawley whispered his way into the world on June 5, 2010. He joined his 4 older Clan Mac troopers with the greatest of ease. Like a hanky in a pocket, he simply settled right in. For 5 brilliantly beautiful years, the Lord loaned him to us. Like Daniel in the Lion's den, he was fearless and bright, confident in the power of our Great God.

Just like the Cheshire cat he'd grin,

Then ask me how the world did spin?

Did God make all the birds and grass?

SO many questions did he ask!

Giving kisses and hugs so tight,

He simply was our hearts delight!

Now every question he will ask,

Will have the answers that I lack.

For it's with The Lord most high he dwells,

And rides gently on the oceans' swells.

Each whisper of the wind so light,

Each ray of sun so clear and bright.

Each raindrop gently dropped from sky,

Each bird that lightly flutters by.

Each star that winks it's gentle glow,

Each flake of freshly fallen snow.

It's in these gifts from El Shaddai

That our hearts will know they are close by.

Holding the hands of Jesus, dance, our sweet babies, dance.

Mercy and Sam McCawley are waiting in Heaven for Mommy & Daddy, Charles and Tiffany McCawley, 

their big sisters Eva and Charley, their brother Max and their sneaky little dog, Fred.

always, 

love, 

mama