Samuel Charles McCawley
June 5, 2016
To My Lil Man Sam,
Where do I begin? I remember crying the day your mama told me she was pregnant. We had always talked about having another child, abut having more children. Just did not expect it too happen so soon. God truly does work in His own ways. I may have cried, but I was still ecstatic, tremendously happy that we were going to have another baby. I will not lie, I wanted another lil boy. another lil man around the house. And God blessed us with you, my sweet lil man, Sam.
The beginning was filled with worry, the midwife and corpsman was concerned about you. Your mama prayed and talked to you. I admit I was lost. See my son, my faith was not overly strong then, I think I more or less just went through the motions. I have struggled over the years with my faith and my commitment to Christ. Which I do not think you ever did even though you were so young. You had such a love for the church, for Christ and all those around you. I think I learned more from you in your five years here with us than you ever did from me.
I look back over the years and I wish I would have done more with you. There were plenty of times when I think you sought me out, when you just wanted to spend some time with me and I put you off. I am so sorry for that my son and I want you to know how much I truly love you and miss you. I pray I could turn back time and do things right by you. I am so sorry that I was not there to protect you. I should have never sent you and your siblings to Texas to my family. I am sorry that I felt a desire for you to know my family the way you knew your mama’s. I should have never put you on that plane.
I remember seeing you walking down that jetway to the plane, holding the steward’s hand. You were such a big, lil man. I started to call you back because I didn’t get a hug, but I stopped because I was worried that you would get upset and then not want to go. So I turned to your sisters and brothers instead and gave each of them a hug and told them I loved them and would see them soon. Never knowing that a choice would be made in Texas that would prevent me from seeing you and Mercy again, from telling you how much I love you and feeling your little arms hugging me back. A choice that would result in grieving over you instead of you celebrating your 5th birthday again with your grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins in Texas. I am so sorry my lil man, I pray and wish that I had called you back and hugged you and told you how much I love you and was going to miss you.
Today we were supposed to be celebrating your 6th birthday in South Carolina, in Parris Island, in our tiny little house on base. Today was supposed to be filled with what you want to do, not with sorrow, not with us wondering what to do to honor your memory. I know that you would love to go on a bike ride, or a scooter ride, but I am sure that you would have learned to ride a bike in this past year, so a bike ride it would be. We would be close to the river there, so we could go fishing. I so looked forward to having more time to take you fishing. There would be cupcakes and presents and most of all there would be the sound of your laughter, the sight of your cheshire cat grin, and of course the sounds and sight of you stomping off when you got mad at your brother or sisters for trying to intervene in your present opening, playing with one of your presents, not paying attention to what you were saying or trying to get them to do or just because you did not get your way. I miss that chaos. I miss the way your strong lil personality infused our family spirit.
I know there will come a day when we are reunited in heaven. I know that you are there in heaven with Mercy, bugging Jesus at every turn to answer your questions. I know that you are missed and loved here on earth by many. But none so more than by your mama, daddy, Eva, Charley, and Max. My son, I am truly sorry that choices here on earth sent you to heaven before God’s plan for you was fulfilled. I promise you and God today that your life, your memory, your presence will not fade. God promises us that as long as we have faith that He will make good from every situation, from every event. I may have struggled in my walk of faith during the time that you were born, but your love, your strong desire to know Jesus has shown your daddy the way and I promise to not let you down again my son.
All My Love,
Daddy
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