...I am with you always...

 to the end of the age. 

Matthew 28:20                                         

I'm not quite sure where my little troupe learned a sweet song with those words from The Lord, but it resonates in my head - a constant backdrop and reminder of the love He lent me and the love that still lives here.  Their sing song voices, chiming in chorus together comfort me when my heart is breaking all over again, buoy me when I'm overcome with longing, and cradle me with joy when loneliness for Mercy and Sam envelopes me.  

Sixteen.  Max, you are 16 today!  

And Mercy, you my little love, are forever. 

I wrote this to our Lord today in my journal.  Perhaps you can sit at his feet and listen to your mama in the space that separates Heaven and Earth...

Immanuel, 

My God, with me.  Lord, You are so faithful! When I opened my devotional today, the words, 

"I am with you always." were the title.  My heart was filled with joy and hope, my spirit quieted by Your tender reminder. You knew I needed to "hear" You speak today and You did. 

On this 16th birthday of my precious Max & Mercy, I give thanks for the 6 1/2 years You lent Mercy to us. Her heart was true reflection of Christ and You made her that way to teach all of us to both love with abandon, and to trust without question.  While I lament her absence from this world, I rejoice in her presence with You, Father.  She is in perfect peace, forever whole, endlessly loved, and eternally saved. 

 

Mercy - your twin learned to snowboard this weekend - just like you, he's agile, quick and such a fast
learner!

I can only imagine what you would have been like as you turned 16. Why do I feel like you'd give me a run for my money, while at the same time you'd show me with your gentle spirit how to be more like Jesus? He's such a tender and kind hearted young man.  He kind of towers over me now, and he really towers over Eva!  I wonder if you'd be incensed at how much taller than you he'd be? No, I think you would lean into your twin being your protector, just as you once protected and guided him. (AND convinced him to break all the rules and eat all the candy, and use all the halloween makeup, AND steal my iPad...) 

He misses you so much, little love.  His heart has Mercy and Sammy sized holes that can never be filled this side of Heaven. It pains me to think that he has lived so much longer without you here than with you. But I know he carries both of you tightly in his heart and soul. He has had so much to carry! Pray with me that the strength of The Lord will be his sword and his shield as he tarries in a world that is impatient with hurting hearts. 

Oh, how I wish with all that I am you were cheering him on as he plays basketball, that you were giving me heartburn with your driving skills, driving me crazy with stealing my clothes and eating my chocolate.  I'd give anything to have you "styling" my hair and buttoning my sweaters again! 

💝And I know I can't have any of those things - but what I can have is a piece of you in my heart everywhere I go. I carry you in all my thoughts and deep in my soul.  I'll promise to find hope in remembering your joy in all things, in all circumstances and in the simplicity of never taking time, love and the people The Lord blesses us with for granted.  

                i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

                      my heart) i am never without it..

                                                                                                ee cummings

Your Aunt Sammy gave me a little glass paperweight with that piece of poetry in it.  Every day, as I pass it by, it reminds me that you live in me.  Always.  

love, 

mama