Max & Mercy,
Boy, do I vividly remember the day they told us about you. Yep, 14 years later and I still get washed in that incredulity, and let's be honest here... sheer terror about how I was not only going to carry 2 humans in my tiny body, but I had to figure out how to mama 2 babies at once! Not just 1, but 2. 2 rainbow babies. Oh, my heart! That year between losing the boy who would have been your older brother and finding out about you- while it was one filled with sorrow, it was also one where I was blessed with new sisters who led me back to Christ, with a rebuilding of my heart only God could accomplish and the life changing news that your dad and I were going to have double the number of kids in 9 short months. That was a heck of a ride.
The look on your dad's face when they told us Baby A looked great, Baby B looked great and then they started searching for Baby C. How I wish I had a picture... I thought he might pass out. I cried. Definitely not because I was sad, but out of sheer joy and thankfulness from the very bottom of my soul that the Lord had blessed us with both of you. And the very first person to find out about you both was your Uncle Markie. He just happened to call me when we left the ultrasound and were headed back down the 5 for home. That was quite the conversation! A flurry of phone calls starting with your Nana(s) followed and reality began to set in.
I wish I could say those (almost) 9 months flew by, but in reality, they crept along like a snail going uphill in an ice storm. Your dad deployed when I was only 12-ish weeks pregnant for Afghanistan and I was flying solo until you 2 were slated to make your entrance in February. Praise Jesus you came early, because I was toast by the time you 2 popped out. Man, was I beyond blessed by selfless, servant friends & family who stepped in and fed us, watched your sisters, helped around the house and carpooled for school for Eva. I think none of us would have survived without each and every one of them. (You all know who you are and I love you so much!) That's the beauty of the military community - they become the family that sustains you when can't sustain yourself.
You 2 entered this world with very little fanfare or drama, just an operating room full of amazing humans who cared for all of us while the miracle of life x2 was accomplished. I cried so much- I couldn't believe you were real and it was going to be my privilege to be your mama.
Oh, what a blessing, a joy, a treasure and a gift it has been to live that out.
I don't know how to accurately explain the beauty of "twinness." Is it in realizing that you could only sleep if you were touching each other, connected to the one who had been with you from that first moment you came to into being? Is it in watching how you cared for each other with a gentleness that sprung from deep within your little souls? Or is it in seeing how Max has bravely carried you in his heart since his very world shattered and you left us so suddenly?
Brave, Mercy. That's what your twin is.
He is so. very. brave. Oh, my sweet girl, you would be so very proud of him. Your brother is literally one of the kindest souls ever put on this planet. He has a depth of soul that surprises me every day. He is kind, smart, selfless, joyful, hard working, creative, and most importantly - He loves Jesus with his whole heart and soul. And I know that is the very thing that would make your heart the most proud. I wish the day he was baptized, you could have peeked down from Heaven to see the joy that covered his face when leapt out of that ocean, washed in the love of Christ and filled with the hope of redemption.
Courage. That's what is has taken for your twin to live the past 7 1/2 years without you, without Sammy. He inspires me with his capacity for joy even in the midst of grief and sorrow. He both fills and breaks my heart all the time with his raw honesty about how deeply his heart hurts without you. And it is my gift and treasure that he can let me in. That he can be transparent in a world that hates discomfort and allows very little grace for broken people.
Mercy- he carries you with him everywhere. In his heart he carries you. He shares your love for others, for Jesus, your joy for life - he carries all of that too. God created the two of you with so much love to give, and when you ran home to Jesus, he kept the whole of that love in his heart to share with the broken world we have to tarry in until we can cross the barrier that divides us from you & Sammy.
Charley decided this morning as I was curling her hair (she keeps trying, but is on the struggle bus with that skill...) that you would be an expert at all things hair, you'd still be dancing, definitely singing and playing the piano, maybe doing some sports and definitely still VERY sparkly and sassy. She and Eva miss you so much. Every day, every. single. day., I wonder what it would have been like to see
all of you grow up, my noisy, crazy, funny, chaotic little clan of blessings.
I'll never know. And while I don't know that I've accepted it, I've learned to live with it because I have no other choice. And neither does Max. And he does it with so much grace, honesty and strength. He inspires me. To be a better mama, a dedicated follower of Christ, a humble servant, a faithful friend and a living testimony to the love you left behind.
So for today and every day, but especially on your 14th birthday, we will cherish the time God lent you to us and celebrate the beautiful boy you left behind.
I love you to the moon and back, for eternity and with all my soul,
mama
