I took them to Costco again...

the 3 of them.  Instead of the 5.  I was blessed to have an "extra" in the form of the sweet boy child of a friend.  So I felt a little less naked.  A little less glaringly NOT MYSELF.  

Not a mom of many. 

Not that "blessed" mama everyone needs to stop and gawk at with her little tribe marching-(well...let's be honest here- careening...)-about.  

Not the one who gets her heart "blessed" every single time she even stops for milk at Walgreens.  

I am not that mom anymore.  

I can't commiserate on big family dynamics or crazy little people.  

I can't empathize when a fellow mama unloads about the chaos of many hands tugging on her skirt...

I can't, I can't, I can't.  

Because it isn't my life anymore.  

I'm not the mama of many.  No one stops me to bless my heart, ask me if I know "it" happens, or "are you done?"

Until today.  

The sweetest man in Costco today stopped me and asked if I had "just 4" kids!  

"Are you done?" he queried, "don't you want just one more?" "It just seem like someone is missing..."

Just. one. more. 

YOU HAVE NO IDEA...I screamed in my head.  

"Five," I finally stuttered out, "I actually have FIVE kids."  

"Well, that's just wonderful!" he answered, his face alit in the sweetest grin.  

He simply had no idea. 

Not one inkling that the innocent question he threw at me in jest would shatter my fragile peace once again.  

Not one clue that I felt like SUCH A FAKE.  

Because I don't have 5 kids anymore.  I have 3.  

2 of them aren't mine anymore.  They belong to Jesus.  In truth, they never belonged to me to begin with. They were never JUST mine... 

So, now I have 3.  

And I spend every waking moment worrying, contemplating, begging, pleading and beseeching-

please don't let me screw this up.  

Please don't let me make any choice that will put them in harm's way.  

Please, LORD JESUS, PLEASE-

just keep them safe.  Lead them, love them, fill them to the absolute brim with your presence, your holy spirit and your perfect, pleasing voice.  

Please, help me learn how to have just 3.  Equip me to straddle the gaping canyon in our life where there used to be 5.  

Convict every person who knew them-

TALK about them. 

SHARE your heart. 

TENDER your memories and...

SPEAK their names!

Don't ask us for anything other than to simply survive.  

And if you see us struggling-

Don't shy away in discomfort, expecting someone else to fill the void and pretending you don't see the tears streaming down our faces.

 

Truly,  I tell you, whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.          

Matthew 25:40

We, those who live through hell on earth-we are your least of these.  

None of you, NOT ONE, would ever choose these shoes.  So, please, whenever you have a moment where you think we're OK! peer DEEPLY into your hearts, your souls and your spirits and ask this one simple question.  

If you were faced with the life we now live, would you be ok?  

Would you, could you...

be OK?  

simply so tired...

clan mac mama