Sammy's mama-

You, Lord, chose me to be Sammy's mama.  Even when You knew it would only be for 5 years and 6 days, you still chose me.

In my darkest hours, I railed against You, I cried out, guttural screams from the depths of my broken heart, begging to know, "WHY? Why did you let me have him if You were going to take him back?  WHY?"

And in the depths of my despair, Your quiet whispers, Your Word, Your grace and Your mercy - gave me my answer.  

Because You love me.  

You created MY inmost being, just as you created Sammy's.  And You lent him to us for as long as he was meant to be. You allowed my heart to be filled beyond my wildest imagination with my crazy little band of kiddos.  Even in this brokenness, my heart is still full.  And that is simply - 

Because You love me.   

I haven't always felt this way in the past 9 years.  Mostly, I've struggled to find purpose, to want to live, to find joy and to keep the anger and bitterness at bay.  Yet, You've been at work in my heart, Lord.  Even when I couldn't see and it and sometimes still can't, You've answered my prayers and been faithful beyond my wildest expectations.  

Because You love me. 

All my life You have been faithful

All my life You have been SO, SO good

  With every breath that I am able

I will sing of the goodness of God. 

Late one night recently, as I sat in my bed, trying to find the will to sleep because I didn't want to face the wake up of the next day, I stumbled upon CeCe Winans praising You.  I just can't get it out of my head, I want to listen to it all the time on repeat and I don't ever want to forget YOUR goodness, Lord.  

So today, on this beautiful day that I became Sammy's mama, I'm going to SING OF GOODNESS OF GOD!  

You chose me. 

You love me. 

You gave me the beauty and blessing of loving Sammy. 

And now he is safe in Your arms, at the feet of Jesus.  

Today Lord, I pray for peace, thankfulness and joy in the hearts of every one of us that loved and was loved by my beautiful boy.  

Sammy - 

Mama misses you more than I could ever put into words. I thank God for every late night when you woke me and allowed me to tell you over and over how much I love you as I quietly prayed you back to sleep. I praise God for the stories you asked me to read over and over, for the velcro that kept you attached to me and seeking my heart always.  With a grateful heart, I will remember your incessant questions, the strength of your heart, your love for Jesus, and your powerfully precocious personality.  I will remember your quiet sweetness, your big, beautiful brown eyes where love lived always, your magnetic grin and most of all- 

I will remember the feeling of your arms wrapped around my neck as you whispered, 

"I love you, mama."

And I will always love you, my beautiful baby boy.

To the moon and back, 

love, 

mama