9 years -

 since our world, our life and our family blew into a thousand tiny fragments.  Shattered hearts, stitched and glued back together have traversed 9 long years trying to find ways to be whole when giant pieces of us are missing. 

Some years, I can push through this day, shoving the memories down, keeping the soul screams quiet and squeezing my brain shut. Not this year. This year, each day in June has felt like a ticking clock, speeding and yet creeping inevitably to this day.  When we stood in a street and I screamed for my Sammy until I couldn't scream anymore.  When we silently sobbed and prayed our way through interminable travel to see our sweet Mercy, only to find her already with Jesus.  

I read their obituaries today.  I NEVER do that.  I can remember sitting on the screened in porch of the house we stayed in when we returned "home" and begging the Lord to give me the words to honor them.  Brian happened upon me as I sat there, staring at my computer.  I don't remember it, but I'm positive he prayed with me.  In His kindness, The Lord gave me these words.  

Mercy Elaine McCawley lit the world up with her joy just 17 minutes before her brother Max on January 20, 2009. For the 6 glorious years the Lord lent her to us, she melted every single heart she met. The light that radiated from her was simply the pure and blissful heart of a child that loved Jesus more than she loved anything or anyone else.

A heart so pure, a light so bright

Dancing was her heart's delight!

Barefoot princess in the night,

Mommy will you hold me tight?

Love one another, He commanded us all,

Gracefully she answered His call.

The face of Jesus she longed to see,

Dance with Him, Mercy, in eternity.

Samuel Charles McCawley whispered his way into the world on June 5, 2010. He joined his 4 older Clan Mac troopers with the greatest of ease. Like a hanky in a pocket, he simply settled right in. For 5 brilliantly beautiful years, the Lord loaned him to us. Like Daniel in the Lion's den, he was fearless and bright, confident in the power of our Great God.

Just like the Cheshire cat he'd grin,

Then ask me how the world did spin?

Did God make all the birds and grass?

SO many questions did he ask!

Giving kisses and hugs so tight,

He simply was our hearts delight!

Now every question he will ask,

Will have the answers that I lack.

For it's with The Lord most high he dwells,

And rides gently on the oceans' swells.

Each whisper of the wind so light,

Each ray of sun so clear and bright.

Each raindrop gently dropped from sky,

Each bird that lightly flutters by.

Each star that winks it's gentle glow,

Each flake of freshly fallen snow.

It's in these gifts from El Shaddai

That our hearts will know they are close by.

Holding the hands of Jesus, dance, our sweet babies, dance.

Mercy and Sam McCawley are waiting in Heaven for Mommy & Daddy, Charles and Tiffany McCawley, 

their big sisters Eva and Charley, their brother Max and their sneaky little dog, Fred.

always, 

love, 

mama

Sammy's mama-

You, Lord, chose me to be Sammy's mama.  Even when You knew it would only be for 5 years and 6 days, you still chose me.

In my darkest hours, I railed against You, I cried out, guttural screams from the depths of my broken heart, begging to know, "WHY? Why did you let me have him if You were going to take him back?  WHY?"

And in the depths of my despair, Your quiet whispers, Your Word, Your grace and Your mercy - gave me my answer.  

Because You love me.  

You created MY inmost being, just as you created Sammy's.  And You lent him to us for as long as he was meant to be. You allowed my heart to be filled beyond my wildest imagination with my crazy little band of kiddos.  Even in this brokenness, my heart is still full.  And that is simply - 

Because You love me.   

I haven't always felt this way in the past 9 years.  Mostly, I've struggled to find purpose, to want to live, to find joy and to keep the anger and bitterness at bay.  Yet, You've been at work in my heart, Lord.  Even when I couldn't see and it and sometimes still can't, You've answered my prayers and been faithful beyond my wildest expectations.  

Because You love me. 

All my life You have been faithful

All my life You have been SO, SO good

  With every breath that I am able

I will sing of the goodness of God. 

Late one night recently, as I sat in my bed, trying to find the will to sleep because I didn't want to face the wake up of the next day, I stumbled upon CeCe Winans praising You.  I just can't get it out of my head, I want to listen to it all the time on repeat and I don't ever want to forget YOUR goodness, Lord.  

So today, on this beautiful day that I became Sammy's mama, I'm going to SING OF GOODNESS OF GOD!  

You chose me. 

You love me. 

You gave me the beauty and blessing of loving Sammy. 

And now he is safe in Your arms, at the feet of Jesus.  

Today Lord, I pray for peace, thankfulness and joy in the hearts of every one of us that loved and was loved by my beautiful boy.  

Sammy - 

Mama misses you more than I could ever put into words. I thank God for every late night when you woke me and allowed me to tell you over and over how much I love you as I quietly prayed you back to sleep. I praise God for the stories you asked me to read over and over, for the velcro that kept you attached to me and seeking my heart always.  With a grateful heart, I will remember your incessant questions, the strength of your heart, your love for Jesus, and your powerfully precocious personality.  I will remember your quiet sweetness, your big, beautiful brown eyes where love lived always, your magnetic grin and most of all- 

I will remember the feeling of your arms wrapped around my neck as you whispered, 

"I love you, mama."

And I will always love you, my beautiful baby boy.

To the moon and back, 

love, 

mama