9 years -

 since our world, our life and our family blew into a thousand tiny fragments.  Shattered hearts, stitched and glued back together have traversed 9 long years trying to find ways to be whole when giant pieces of us are missing. 

Some years, I can push through this day, shoving the memories down, keeping the soul screams quiet and squeezing my brain shut. Not this year. This year, each day in June has felt like a ticking clock, speeding and yet creeping inevitably to this day.  When we stood in a street and I screamed for my Sammy until I couldn't scream anymore.  When we silently sobbed and prayed our way through interminable travel to see our sweet Mercy, only to find her already with Jesus.  

I read their obituaries today.  I NEVER do that.  I can remember sitting on the screened in porch of the house we stayed in when we returned "home" and begging the Lord to give me the words to honor them.  Brian happened upon me as I sat there, staring at my computer.  I don't remember it, but I'm positive he prayed with me.  In His kindness, The Lord gave me these words.  

Mercy Elaine McCawley lit the world up with her joy just 17 minutes before her brother Max on January 20, 2009. For the 6 glorious years the Lord lent her to us, she melted every single heart she met. The light that radiated from her was simply the pure and blissful heart of a child that loved Jesus more than she loved anything or anyone else.

A heart so pure, a light so bright

Dancing was her heart's delight!

Barefoot princess in the night,

Mommy will you hold me tight?

Love one another, He commanded us all,

Gracefully she answered His call.

The face of Jesus she longed to see,

Dance with Him, Mercy, in eternity.

Samuel Charles McCawley whispered his way into the world on June 5, 2010. He joined his 4 older Clan Mac troopers with the greatest of ease. Like a hanky in a pocket, he simply settled right in. For 5 brilliantly beautiful years, the Lord loaned him to us. Like Daniel in the Lion's den, he was fearless and bright, confident in the power of our Great God.

Just like the Cheshire cat he'd grin,

Then ask me how the world did spin?

Did God make all the birds and grass?

SO many questions did he ask!

Giving kisses and hugs so tight,

He simply was our hearts delight!

Now every question he will ask,

Will have the answers that I lack.

For it's with The Lord most high he dwells,

And rides gently on the oceans' swells.

Each whisper of the wind so light,

Each ray of sun so clear and bright.

Each raindrop gently dropped from sky,

Each bird that lightly flutters by.

Each star that winks it's gentle glow,

Each flake of freshly fallen snow.

It's in these gifts from El Shaddai

That our hearts will know they are close by.

Holding the hands of Jesus, dance, our sweet babies, dance.

Mercy and Sam McCawley are waiting in Heaven for Mommy & Daddy, Charles and Tiffany McCawley, 

their big sisters Eva and Charley, their brother Max and their sneaky little dog, Fred.

always, 

love, 

mama

Sammy's mama-

You, Lord, chose me to be Sammy's mama.  Even when You knew it would only be for 5 years and 6 days, you still chose me.

In my darkest hours, I railed against You, I cried out, guttural screams from the depths of my broken heart, begging to know, "WHY? Why did you let me have him if You were going to take him back?  WHY?"

And in the depths of my despair, Your quiet whispers, Your Word, Your grace and Your mercy - gave me my answer.  

Because You love me.  

You created MY inmost being, just as you created Sammy's.  And You lent him to us for as long as he was meant to be. You allowed my heart to be filled beyond my wildest imagination with my crazy little band of kiddos.  Even in this brokenness, my heart is still full.  And that is simply - 

Because You love me.   

I haven't always felt this way in the past 9 years.  Mostly, I've struggled to find purpose, to want to live, to find joy and to keep the anger and bitterness at bay.  Yet, You've been at work in my heart, Lord.  Even when I couldn't see and it and sometimes still can't, You've answered my prayers and been faithful beyond my wildest expectations.  

Because You love me. 

All my life You have been faithful

All my life You have been SO, SO good

  With every breath that I am able

I will sing of the goodness of God. 

Late one night recently, as I sat in my bed, trying to find the will to sleep because I didn't want to face the wake up of the next day, I stumbled upon CeCe Winans praising You.  I just can't get it out of my head, I want to listen to it all the time on repeat and I don't ever want to forget YOUR goodness, Lord.  

So today, on this beautiful day that I became Sammy's mama, I'm going to SING OF GOODNESS OF GOD!  

You chose me. 

You love me. 

You gave me the beauty and blessing of loving Sammy. 

And now he is safe in Your arms, at the feet of Jesus.  

Today Lord, I pray for peace, thankfulness and joy in the hearts of every one of us that loved and was loved by my beautiful boy.  

Sammy - 

Mama misses you more than I could ever put into words. I thank God for every late night when you woke me and allowed me to tell you over and over how much I love you as I quietly prayed you back to sleep. I praise God for the stories you asked me to read over and over, for the velcro that kept you attached to me and seeking my heart always.  With a grateful heart, I will remember your incessant questions, the strength of your heart, your love for Jesus, and your powerfully precocious personality.  I will remember your quiet sweetness, your big, beautiful brown eyes where love lived always, your magnetic grin and most of all- 

I will remember the feeling of your arms wrapped around my neck as you whispered, 

"I love you, mama."

And I will always love you, my beautiful baby boy.

To the moon and back, 

love, 

mama

For mama's M & M's...

Max & Mercy, 

Boy, do I vividly remember the day they told us about you. Yep, 14 years later and I still get washed in that incredulity, and let's be honest here... sheer terror about how I was not only going to carry 2 humans in my tiny body, but I had to figure out how to mama 2 babies at once!  Not just 1, but 2.  2 rainbow babies.  Oh, my heart!  That year between losing the boy who would have been your older brother and finding out about you- while it was one filled with sorrow, it was also one where I was blessed with new sisters who led me back to Christ, with a rebuilding of my heart only God could accomplish and the life changing news that your dad and I were going to have double the number of kids in 9 short months.  That was a heck of a ride.    

The look on your dad's face when they told us Baby A looked great, Baby B looked great and then they started searching for Baby C.  How I wish I had a picture... I thought he might pass out.  I cried.  Definitely not because I was sad, but out of sheer joy and thankfulness from the very bottom of my soul that the Lord had blessed us with both of you.  And the very first person to find out about you both was your Uncle Markie.  He just happened to call me when we left the ultrasound and were headed back down the 5 for home.  That was quite the conversation!  A flurry of phone calls starting with your Nana(s) followed and reality began to set in.  

I wish I could say those (almost) 9 months flew by, but in reality, they crept along like a snail going uphill in an ice storm.  Your dad deployed when I was only 12-ish weeks pregnant for Afghanistan and I was flying solo until you 2 were slated to make your entrance in February.  Praise Jesus you came early, because I was toast by the time you 2 popped out.  Man, was I beyond blessed by selfless, servant friends & family who stepped in and fed us, watched your sisters, helped around the house and carpooled for school for Eva.  I think none of us would have survived without each and every one of them.  (You all know who you are and I love you so much!)  That's the beauty of the military community - they become the family that sustains you when can't sustain yourself.   

You 2 entered this world with very little fanfare or drama, just an operating room full of amazing humans who cared for all of us while the miracle of life x2 was accomplished.  I cried so much- I couldn't believe you were real and it was going to be my privilege to be your mama.  

Oh, what a blessing, a joy, a treasure and a gift it has been to live that out.  

I don't know how to accurately explain the beauty of "twinness."  Is it in realizing that you could only sleep if you were touching each other, connected to the one who had been with you from that first moment you came to into being?  Is it in watching how you cared for each other with a gentleness that sprung from deep within your little souls?  Or is it in seeing how Max has bravely carried you in his heart since his very world shattered and you left us so suddenly?  

Brave, Mercy.  That's what your twin is.  He is so. very. brave.  Oh, my sweet girl, you would be so very proud of him.  Your brother is literally one of the kindest souls ever put on this planet.  He has a depth of soul that surprises me every day.  He is kind, smart, selfless, joyful, hard working, creative, and most importantly - He loves Jesus with his whole heart and soul.  And I know that is the very thing that would make your heart the most proud.  I wish the day he was baptized, you could have peeked down from Heaven to see the joy that covered his face when leapt out of that ocean, washed in the love of Christ and filled with the hope of redemption.  

Courage.  That's what is has taken for your twin to live the past 7 1/2 years without you, without Sammy.  He inspires me with his capacity for joy even in the midst of grief and sorrow.  He both fills and breaks my heart all the time with his raw honesty about how deeply his heart hurts without you.  And it is my gift and treasure that he can let me in.  That he can be transparent in a world that hates discomfort and allows very little grace for broken people.  Mercy- he carries you with him everywhere.  In his heart he carries you.  He shares your love for others, for Jesus, your joy for life - he carries all of that too.  God created the two of you with so much love to give, and when you ran home to Jesus, he kept the whole of that love in his heart to share with the broken world we have to tarry in until we can cross the barrier that divides us from you & Sammy.  

Charley decided this morning as I was curling her hair (she keeps trying, but is on the struggle bus with that skill...) that you would be an expert at all things hair, you'd still be dancing, definitely singing and playing the piano, maybe doing some sports and definitely still VERY sparkly and sassy.  She and Eva miss you so much.  Every day, every. single. day., I wonder what it would have been like to see all of you grow up, my noisy, crazy, funny, chaotic little clan of blessings.  

I'll never know.  And while I don't know that I've accepted it, I've learned to live with it because I have no other choice.  And neither does Max.  And he does it with so much grace, honesty and strength.  He inspires me.  To be a better mama, a dedicated follower of Christ, a humble servant, a faithful friend and a living testimony to the love you left behind.  

Mercy, my beautiful baby girl- my heart aches to hold you again and to feel your little hands brushing my hair or buttoning my sweater.  To see you sneaking m-n-m's from the candy jar at 6 am.  To find your binky stash under your pillow. To hear you whisper "I love you, mama." To watch you boss your brothers around on dishwasher unloading.  To sneak up on you and Max, lost in your twin world, building and creating and playing.  To see what fashion disaster you've put together for the day.  To smell your stinky feet when you kick off your shoes in the car.  To open the door of my room to find you camped out in the hall, waiting for me because you just want one more snuggle and song.  

So for today and every day, but especially on your 14th birthday, we will cherish the time God lent you to us and celebrate the beautiful boy you left behind.  

I love you to the moon and back, for eternity and with all my soul, 

mama 

For my Sammy - love, mama.

 Sam, Sammy, my little Sam-man, Samuel Charles (this was when you were in trouble!) my pocket baby, my shadow, my "I'm never going to move away, mama, I'll always live next door," precious, amazing boy.  

I'm so very sorry.  I'm sorry I've hidden away for so long and not written about you or Mercy.  I'm sorry I haven't been able to find a way to remember you well without it hurting so much that I just want to somehow make my way to you in Heaven.  I'm sorry our family is so broken without the 2 of you.  It's just that we can't seem to find our way to joy because the pieces of our hearts are still just so jagged.  Will we ever feel that softness of a stitched together heart?  

You'd be 12 today.  When I can, I let myself imagine what you would be like.  Such a little tank, your personality double the size of your stout little body and your smile filled with enough wattage to light up the Empire State Building - how would that translate to your 12 year old self?  I think maybe you & Max would have ended up a powerhouse team on the football field - his fleet feet flying down as a running back and your stout strength protecting him on the line.  Maybe you'd have decided music wasn't stupid and been a part of the little family band I always dreamed of.  (To be clear, you loved music - but performing it in front of people?  Heck to the no on that one!) 

I think you'd be reading like a fiend all the time - your favorite thing to do with mama was read.  The same books over and over again - Yes, I really do love you no matter what, Stinky Face, Elmo really is the Monster at the End of This Book, we really did Take the Moon for Walk Last Night and I Will Love You for Always, I'll like you forever, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.  I think you might have been taller than we anticipated and definitely still built like a tank.  

Maybe your hair would still be in a little mohawk?  You LOVED your "hawk."  "Mama, you do my hawk hair?"  Jessica lives here again!  She cuts Max's hair - and every time she does, my heart looks for you to take your turn in the chair again.  The 2 of you would probably have convinced me to dye your hair blue- and I'd have given in just because of the wattage of your smile and the hug you loved to give combined with the wattage of hers and I'd have lost the battle.  

I wonder if you'd be a writer like Eva, Charley and Max?  They each have a little gift for words - I pray they never lose it and use it to honor God, our family and you and Mercy.  Oh buddy, they miss you so very much.  So. very. much.  They hurt so much that it shatters my heart over and over again.  And none of us is really very good at knowing what to do with all the sad in our spirits.  

Sammy - I don't know what it means to celebrate a birthday you'll never be here for again, but I know that the only thing I can do is celebrate the 5 years the Lord loaned you to us and remember the infinite love that flooded my heart when you quietly entered this world 12 years ago today. 

 I can remember the mornings you'd sneak into my room at 5:30, your Bible in hand to "study" quietly with me.  I'll rest in those moments in the car when you'd ask for the radio to be off just so you could sit in the peace of no noise.  I'll recall the moments you'd sit so quietly as I read to you, eagerly awaiting the next page or the next book.  I'll wish I had said yes when you would sneak into my room in the middle of the night and whisper, "mama, I sleep wit chew?"  And I'll laugh with the all the loud moments - your enthusiasm for EVERYTHING - (except when you didn't get a present you liked or found out Fred was the present.  Oh son, you were loud, all right.  No one could throw a tantrum quite like you did.) Your stomp across the floor tantrums, door slamming and wailing.  And then your tear stained face asking mama for forgiveness and a hug. I'll be ever so grateful for the large and loud personality the Lord blessed you with - because it imprinted so much into our family in such a short time.  

And the your leaving created - It isn't a hole. It's a bottomless crater that I will spend my life attempting to fill and knowing that there is simply no way that I can.  

I will selfishly wish that instead of dancing with Jesus, you and Mercy were still dancing with me, and Daddy, Eva, Charley and Max.  Always and forever.  

Happiest of Birthdays, my son.  

mama loves you - to the moon and back, to Heaven and always for eternity.  

Today is one day closer to holding you in my arms again.