skies a-painted in tie dye sunsets,

His whispers calm those last regrets.
Sammy's scent on a bumblebee pillow,
tears falling like the leaves of a willow.
butterflies flitting here and there,
memories, memories, everywhere.
cardinals resting in the trees,
shattered dreams drop me to my knees.
words of wisdom from God Most High,
to my beaten, broken heart, a lullaby.
the healing power of His Holy Grace,
evident in every place.
What good, I asked, could come from this?
Watch and wait, He says, don't miss-

My grace.
My peace.
My gentle bliss.

He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.
Daniel 2:22

Indeed.  

Light. 

dwells.

with.

Him.  

The alcoholic healed by His grace. 

The dying woman who sought His face. 

The tired old man who changed his ways,

blessed was he with brighter days.  

The roads we walk, the shoes we wear, 

together he brings us close to share…

the burdens of this fallen place, 

so that, well indeed, we'll finish the race.  

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 

2 Timothy 4:7

Finishing the race well?

Eternity never meant so much until 2 of my precious children died.  

Then I understood what it meant for God to watch His. only. begotten. Son. DIE.  

For me. 

For you. 

I promise you, it's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone, ever.  

And God caused himself that pain… by choice!

If I thought I was in awe of our God before? 

I simply had no clue.  

I write because He gives me words to speak.  Precious words that can only come from Him, through my heart and hands, for His glory.  

What will you do for His glory today? What will I?  

love, 
clan mac mama

  

Our life on 2 26 ft trailers...

that's what is in the driveway of our new house.  

A house I never wanted, in a place I wanted to come back to in 3 years.  When we were done at Parris Island and ready to start yet another USMC adventure.  With all FIVE of our kids.  

When they called on Friday and said they could deliver them 5 days early, I wanted to feel blessed.  I wanted to be grateful.  Instead, I felt like I was going to vomit and pass out all at the same time.  

Our life is on those trucks.  Our old life.  The one where we were happy and had 5 amazing kids.  The one where we couldn't really believe how blessed we were.  The one where our biggest worries were homeschooling and then paying for college for our kids, what we'd do when Charles retired, whether or not our kids would rebel or stay true to the Lord, if they'd move away or stay close, if we'd finally answer the call to adoption on our hearts, if we might finally get to take a trip alone, just the 2 of us, for our 20 year anniversary.  That life where we loved Jesus, went to church and prayed about how we were going to glorify Him in our new home, a place we really didn't want to go, but were going anyway, because the USMC said so.  

This life?  It gives a WHOLE NEW MEANING to loving Jesus.  Because, let me tell you something…loving the Lord is SO easy when it feels like you're just. so. blessed!   New job?  I'm just so blessed!  New home?  I'm just so blessed!  Won an award?  I'm just so blessed!  Had a great day?  I'm just so blessed!  5 healthy kids?  I'm just so blessed!  Career success? I'm just so blessed!

Wait.  2 of my children died.  

Blessed?  Do I feel blessed?  

In a million ways, I actually do.  But is it an automatic thought?  Seriously?  NO.  

Am I blessed?  Well, duh.  I still have 3 amazing kids, a fantastic husband and a whole potful of people who love the heck out of us.  I have food on my table, clothes on my back, a warm bed to sleep in and a community of believers that still amazes me.  

But….loving God is so much simpler when you think He gives you what you want, what you "deserve", what you decide you need.  It's a whole new ball of wax when the tables turn and you're the tragic story on the news.  Talk about NOT FEELING SO BLESSED.  

Back to the automatic thought thing.  

I have to CHOOSE to feel blessed right now.  I have to CHOOSE to be thankful.  I have to CHOOSE to accept God's grace and peace in a time that feels like hell on earth.  When my whole body feels like it's covered by a 5,000 lb concrete slab and I just. can't. breathe.  

Am I choosing it every minute of every day?  

Again, NO.

But, am I choosing it some of the minutes of my day?  

YES.  

Tonight I chose to ask for prayer from some prayer warriors-I CHOSE to ask for them to intercede for me in my anger, my sadness and and my frustration.  

And they did.  And instead of breaking sh*t and yelling and sobbing, I'm typing this.  Because they prayed for me and I felt it.  I was covered by the power of the Holy Spirit that spoke into my heart. 

So…am I blessed?  Always.  

Does it make my days easier or take my heartache away?  Unfortunately, NO.  But it gives me this….

Hope.  

Hope that I will find grace and forgiveness.  Hope that I will be a good and faithful servant to the God who created me.  Hope that I will exercise my free will in a way that brings honor and glory to the one who created it all.  And finally, HOPE…that God's love will be more so much more powerful than any pain I feel and that I will allow it to heal me, and my husband, and my children.  

Thank you, Kellie, for letting the Holy Spirit prompt you when you sent this to me for the 2nd time in 2 days…

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry.  

He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.  

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.  

Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.  

Psalm 40:1-3

So I will wait.  

I will praise.  

I will stand upon His rock.  The only rock that can support my 5,000 lb weight and take it from me.  

2 26 ft trucks.  

Filled with an old life.  

Please pray for the new one.  For the steep incline of the mountain we have yet to climb, the valleys of grief we will fall into and the bumpy, cobbled road we'll travel for now and maybe, for a very long time.    

With love, 

forever the clan mac mama of the 5 many mini macs

Waking up crying...

is how I start most days lately.  As the shock has worn off, I'm like a wound with no scab-constantly bruised by the littlest reminders.  This morning it was Max being funny and eating his cereal like a dog…it reminded me of the pudding eating contest at the Chocolate Festival that Mercy tried so valiantly to win.  I even remember what I wore that day, where we ate, how much fun we had and how much junk we stuffed our faces with.  The kids thought they had woken up in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and their parents had lost their minds!

Yesterday was our first official "school day."  For the first time in 6 years, I didn't have to clamor about over the din to accomplish even the smallest of tasks.
It. was. awful.
Not the teaching my sweet kiddos part, but the quiet.  The deafening quiet that has invaded my days, my home, my children.   The sadness on Max's face every morning when he wakes up to the realization that he's all alone in his morning ritual of waking Mommy up.  His best friend isn't here to build a lego tower with, be the bad guy or dress up like a superhero…all before the sun rises.  His twin isn't here to jump into the middle of it all and change it all around to her way, all while convincing her brothers it was her idea.

Fall used to be my absolute favorite time of year.  The crispness of the air, sweet smells of baking, hours spent planning for Halloween, Nutcracker rehearsals and anticipation, saturday morning Upward football with my littles, the breathtaking colors of the trees and the world around us, filled with the beauty and wonder of God's creation.

Now I dread the start of everything.  Because it's all a reminder of the memories we won't make with Mercy and Sammy.  The questions I won't get peppered with, the wonders they won't point out.  The Christmas presents I don't have to buy, the constant juggling of 5 little people that I no longer have to do.

I beg God to show me His purpose.  I beg Him to show me Mercy and Sammy in my dreams.  I beg Him to turn back the clock, to give me another chance to be a better wife and mommy and everything else.  I simply BEG Him to take this pain away.  
For 2 weeks I haven't journaled to my Creator a single word.
I haven't been able to find the strength to say much of anything.
I've simply begged, I've screamed, I've cried, I've raged so loudly I think they can hear me down the street.
This is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MY LIFE.
So now I'll beg God for this.
For the grace to wait on Him, to trust Him,  to let Him lead me, to let His words speak to my heart and to the hearts of my beloved husband and children.  I'll pray for the JOY of My Lord to invade my heart.  And it's not the joy you're thinking of.  Joy is far deeper than happiness, happiness is something that I'll never fully feel again this side of Heaven. But JOY?  It's far deeper than the happiness that we find in our circumstances.  Joy is the presence of God within us, contemplation of His plans for our future, and the willingness to let Him lead the way.

My sister just sent this…at just the right moment, to speak His Word into my heart…

Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, 
for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you, 
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  
Isaiah 41:10

Strengthen me, Jesus.  I'm just too broken to do any of this without You.

with love,
clan mac mama

My arms simply ache-

to hold them.
Im consumed by a burning desire to read them a book, sing them a song, brush their hair back, clip their little nails, hear their giggles and sweet voices…
but I can't even look at their pictures.
But I SO desperately want to. NEED to.  
I want to sit and watch every video, look at every picture, touch every single thing they laid their little hands on.
I'm just terrified that it will cripple me and I'll simply never get up.
Most days I don't want to get up.
But I do.
I. just. don't. want. to.

What I want is simple.
To hold them.
And I can't.
Not this side of heaven- and lately, not even in my dreams.
Sweet Jesus- please, oh please, let me see them in my dreams.  

But more than that, Lord, please carry me, hold me, strengthen me.
I know there will only be one set of Footprints for
a
very
long
time.

Praise the Lord, praise God our Savior!
For each day He carries us in His arms. 
Psalm 68:19

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me 
all the days of my life, 
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord 
forever.  
Psalm 23:6

With Mercy, with Sam, with each one of my loved and cherished ones.

For we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  
2 Corinthians 4:18

Thank you, my sweet sister Sam, for that reminder.  For the nudge to remember that this life is but a blip and what I can no longer see or touch is waiting for me on the other side of eternity…

For now I'll just beg for dreams-

love,
clan mac mama

So, it's been a little while...

because we moved.  AGAIN.  4th temporary house in 2 months and 10 days.  It also happens to be the 2 month mark for my close pal, Cassie, in the loss of her son, Noah.  The fact that we are walking this journey together seems so surreal that I can't even find the words to describe it.  Her boys were Eva's 1st big "brothers" and they adored her.  She was one of Eva's first "friend aunts."  You know, those awesome friends who love your kids like their own even when they are little and covered in snot/vomit/poop/dirt… Now we spend inordinate amounts of time commiserating over crying in random public places, how it's even possible for a body to make that many tears and how we absolutely hate cooking/grocery shopping because it's the most tangible reminder of the holes in our lives that used to be filled with our kids.

Honestly-every single moment carries with it a reminder of what is missing from my earthly life.  The jar of still full peanut butter…because my peanut butter eaters were Mercy & Sammy.  The bananas still in the bowl, going brown…Sammy was my banana man.  The chocolate & lollipops still in the treat bin…Mercy and Sammy would corral Max into sneaking a bunch of that, and now that they aren't here, it just doesn't occur to him to sneak all the sugar in the house in the space of 15 minutes.  The single box of pasta that now feeds my family…The milk that takes so much longer to run out…The laundry piles that no longer seem to grow like gremlins…

Some days I can be thankful for the time God gave us with them.  Some days I simply can't.  Lately, it's been a whole lot of those not thankful days.  That's not to say that I'm not thankful for the time I had, I just haven't been able to wear the rose colored glasses that say, "Gee, my kids died in a horrible accident when they were 5 and 6, but I'm just SO GLAD I had that short little time with them."  Nope, not there.  Honestly, I probably never will be.  No matter how many days God planned for my sweet babies, I will never believe it was enough.   I used to think that the worst thing I'd walk through would be when either Charles or I drew our last breath and left the other behind.  I'd think about that old Kathy Mattea tune, "Where've You Been," a love song about a lifetime of commitment and marriage that makes me cry every. single. time. I hear it.  (just listened. just cried.)  I just couldn't wrap my brain around how one or the other of us would face each day alone when the time came.  It just made my heart ache.
Honestly, I'm not sure I ever even gave much thought to what it might be like after- you know, when I'm with JESUS.
Do you think about it?
Because I sure as heck do think about it now.
A lot.
I just started reading this book by Randy Alcorn, Heaven.
Did you know most believing Christians don't give much thought to Heaven?  That even some pastors avoid the subject because they themselves think our earthly world is so much more interesting and Heaven sounds awfully boring?
I used to think it sounded boring.  Seriously, who wants to float around and strum a harp all day.  Not sure where I got the idea that Heaven is harp strumming and I can fly, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one with that skewed earthly idea.
Then I started that book.
Read it.
It's not an "I died and met Jesus in a field of flowers" kind of book.
It's an honestly written, scripturally based, eye opening look into the life we are promised, the ONE ETERNAL life that makes this earthly one just a blip of time in a fallen, broken place.
You know what else it made me ponder?
How I'll spend what's left of my time here.
Who will I serve?
How will I live?

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  
Galations 6:9

Honestly, most days I do just want to give up.  Cassie probably does too.  Just getting out of bed requires monumental effort.
I. AM. WEARY.

key word- I.

I just can't do this alone.

His grace must be sufficient for me, his power will be made perfect in my weakness.  And I will boast ALL THE MORE gladly about my weaknesses, so the power of Christ will rest on me.
Only He can bandage my wounds and help me seek new hope.
I don't mean I "boast" of my sadness, but I do share it, because for some purpose only God knows, I feel so compelled to write that it's almost a physical need.  I know when I have something to say, because all of sudden I just want it to rain, I want quiet and I want to spend the day in my jammies, at this keyboard. Letting HIS voice tell me what to say.  (Nope, not a tangible whisper in the ear people, just a gentle prompting by the Holy Spirit.)

I also realized something else in the last few days.
This isn't a punishment.
(Cue thunder-I swear I've been praying for a rocking good storm and I'm hearing some rumbles…God rocks.)
I wasn't a bad mom.
I didn't fail God.
I didn't disappoint Him and he didn't take my children to prove a point.
They are with Him because He chose them.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.  
Ephesians 1:4

Do I believe He caused their accident?
Duh-NO.
I believe earthly choices led to a horrible situation that resulted in the death of my sweet babies.
I also believe He was with them the moment it happened.  That he took them by the hand and guided them to the place of eternal happiness, hope, and joy- HEAVEN.  

Unfortunately for all of us left behind- our hearts are broken and our lives feel shattered.  What do we do to find hope again? feel joy again?  dream new dreams?

I don't know.  So I'll do the only thing that I know will help me SEE.
I will…
Rest in Him.

And that is what I am off to do just at this moment.  I am going to listen to the sounds of His creation and pray that whatever works He has ordained for each of us in the midst of this sadness, we will open our hearts and minds to His will and His will only.  Be it His will and not my own that sets the rhythm of this "new" life.

Please keep praying.  Your words to God's heart have sustained us and given us so much peace.  Please don't stop.

All my love,
clan mac mama

 Happier times...

Watching the world continue to spin...

despite the joyless pit I'm in.
Those around move on with their days,
as I'm reminded in too many ways,
that MY days will forever feel wrong,
and my time till I see them again too long.
My heart is fractured and filled with pain,
although-my loss is Heaven's gain.
Watching the dreams of other's fulfilled,
observing how their lives they will build,
crushes and tramples the shards of my life,
each breathe I take like a plunging knife.
So often I must be reminded to breathe,
I suck the air in with a sigh and a heave.
Smiling and small talk don't come with ease,
the need to see me ok I simply cannot appease.
The journey of life that once looked so bright,
no longer fills my heart with delight.
The rest and respite I desperately seek,
often elude as tears from my eyes do leak.
The laughter and camaraderie has left my home,
so often my sweet beans feel all alone.
In the night I woke to the sound of sweet Max,
"Mama, can I sleep with you?" he asked.  
Never once in the years since he came to be,
did he ever need to sleep with me.
From the moment he was knit in my womb,
2 lives were linked as yarn on a loom.
Now the yarn is split and frayed,
without his twin he will spend his days.
Sweet Charley wanders, unsure what to do,
missing sweet Sammy & Mercy too.
The little mommy that dwelled in Eva Grace,
longs to see each little face,
of the babes she helped to love and raise,
the hurt in her heart a filmy haze.
Each day I beseech the One whom I trust,
to patch their hearts, I insist He must!
For never will those holes be filled,
but for the leaks, dams only He can build.

…dams. only. He. can. build.

How do we celebrate joyous remembrance of birth...

when we are so painfully reminded of death?
In the darkness, I slowly crawled out of sleep this morning, painfully aware that on this 2 month anniversary of Mercy & Sammy's home going, it is also the day my husband would normally "celebrate" his birth.
My husband.
The man I've held as he has cried rivers of tears for our children that are both with us and with Jesus.  This strong man, who in his ultimate weakness, has reminded me every day that it is only the Lord who will carry us in this painful journey.
I begged Jesus this morning to give me the grace to know how to both celebrate and comfort him today.  How do you say Happy Birthday to your husband when you know he's not?  When you're not?
So I simply thanked Jesus for him and told him so.  Because I am truly blessed beyond measure by his love, his dedication to our Lord and our family, his grace in grief, and his strength in continuing to trust the Lord even when I don't.
I. am. blessed.

Always and forever, I am blessed.  He is blessed.

So, today, we'll choose to quietly be thankful for my Charles, because without him, I would never have been blessed to be Mama to my 5 extraordinary children.  Extraordinary because they come from our Creator, each created in His own image, knit in my womb and called His children for just the number of days He ordained for each of them.  Days we cherish and remember with gratitude and infinite love.

 

I'm so thankful for you, my love.  I pray that today is filled with wonderful memories of the years we we were blessed to celebrate with our babies.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb. 
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, 
I know that full well. 
My frame was not hidden from you 
when I was made in the secret place. 
When I was woven together in the 
depths of the earth, 
your eyes saw my unformed body. 
All the days ordained for me 
were written in your book 
before one of them came to be.  
Psalm 139:13-16

I praise God for each of your days and the blessing you are to our children and me.

I love you to the moon and back.

tiff

Blue Bear and Teddy...

are my nighttime companions lately. Blue Bear was Sammy's favorite buddy that he commandeered from Charley several years ago and Teddy was MY Kringle bear that Mercy discovered in a box some time ago and just fell in love with.  There was no travel completed, no nighttime endured and no snuggle time complete without those 2 loveys.  Now I find myself unable to go to sleep without them wrapped in my arms, secure in my love.  I'd set myself on fire to be able to wrap Mercy and Sam in my arms instead of a stuffed substitute.

 

Reality has set in.
Every step I take…
Every store I visit,
Every breath I suck in…
I'm reminded that I will live the rest of my time here without my sweet children.  No more family pictures where bribery must ensue to ensure 7 smiling faces, no more SUPER SAM jumping out of the car or off the bunk stairs like a storm trooper, no more pirouettes from sweet Mercy, no more pantry invaders or chocolate thieves.
Reality sucks.

24 years have passed since I slept with a stuffed animal.  I took Nana's teddy with me to Boot Camp because she left us 4 days before I hit the yellow footprints at Parris Island.  And my children left us just 9 days before we were set to go back there.  What is it about Parris Island and my family?…If anyone ever tells me we need to move back there, I might punch them in the throat.

Every day I struggle with having enough FAITH to let God carry me.  Faith to believe that He will someday bring us great JOY again.  Faith to believe that there is NOTHING I could have done to change the outcome of that day.  Faith to believe that my time with them was real, not a dream and that I really did do my best.

Regret sucks too.
Regret for time wasted, angry words, frustration, impatience and too many no's.  Too much busyness, too much house, too much to do.
Regret for memories not shared when I was SO BUSY.

Thankful.
I'm thankful for the gift of being their Mommy.  It's a gift I wouldn't give back even if it meant I didn't have to feel this horrible, awful, soul sucking sadness and pain.

Nights are awful.  If I fall asleep soundly, I usually wake too many times to count, haunted by weird dreams, empty arms and holes in my heart.

Sweet Jesus, please give us rest.  Our Eva, Charley and Max need us.  And we are so tired, so sad, and so shattered that we can't do it alone.
I only want to see one set of Footprints.  Because, Jesus, I need you to carry me.  For a long time.

Because he loves me, says the Lord, 
"I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he
acknowledges my name.  
He will call upon me and I will answer
him;
I will be with him in trouble, 
I will deliver him and honor him."
Psalm 91:15

love,
clan mac mama

Stuck-

is how I feel today. Grieving your children when you have no home is beyond draining.
Maybe it's why I can't seem to find my way in my grief.  It's so frustrating to feel aimless and without rest.  I desperately want to see and hold their things, to sleep in my own bed, to wrap myself in their blankets and smell their clothes.  To look everyday at their pictures on my walls and to see the earthly things they covered in their sweetness and presence.  I just feel stuck.

AND-
Grief is simply exhausting-

Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
Psalm 31:9

I am simply. so. tired.
Grieving my children, grieving the loss of all I knew to be true of my life here on earth, just grieving-is quite honestly the most exhausting thing I have ever walked through.  And that is saying a lot.  I gave birth to 5 children in 7 years, 3 of them in a 17 month period, so I know exhaustion.

Every night is a round robin of fitful sleep, followed by mornings that I don't want to face.  Each day brings new hours to fill with things I don't want to do, because everything reminds me of their absence.

We're buying a house.  A house that doesn't have rooms for them.  A house they never lived in.  A yard they never played in.  A house.  We're buying a house.  A house I pray we'll fill with new memories and love.

Why?  I just couldn't do it.  Couldn't live where we lived before.  I couldn't walk in those same places all the time, drive the same roads, live the same life.  Because my life will never be the same.

God spoke to me through a friend yesterday.
I've been consumed with anger and frustration.  With the unknown.  With the WHY?
He placed her in just the right moment with just the right words to remind me of this truth.

He sees what we do not.
He knows what we do not.
He is sovereign.

This morning he reminded me to...
Be. Still.

I've never been very good at being still.  Of waiting on Him or His guidance.  Like a steam locomotive, I tend to plow ahead, sure I know what destination He is pointing us towards.

Guess what.  The destination isn't here.  It's not of this world.
The destination He points us toward is eternity with Him.  And that's where my babies are.
So for now, I'll spend my time pushing forward like a steam locomotive, serving His purpose,  in this world,  with the ultimate destination in mind.  Eternity with Him and my babies.

Mercy & Sammy-I love you and I miss you so immensely that I can't put it into words that even begin to touch how I grieve.
Tell Jesus we love Him and I'm glad you're safe with Him if you can't be with me.

love,
clan mac mama

I woke today...

to the sound of pouring rain.  The world around me reflecting the state of my heart, the trees catching the tears of the heavens, the rumbles of my anger filling the sky.  Dreary, dull, dark.
I am frankly so angry at their absence today that I cannot put together a complete thought-
So I simply prayed for Jesus to be near.
For the holes in our hearts to be filled up with His love and abundant Mercy.

It's the worst feeling in the world to know that I am powerless against the truth of my children's death.  I cannot change it.  I cannot turn back the clock.  I cannot DO ANYTHING to change the fact that I will live the rest of my life without their laughter, love and sweetness.  That I will never see Mercy dance on pointe, see Sammy catch a touchdown, meet their children, dance with them at their weddings, say goodbye to them when it's MY time to leave this earth.  The story of their lives is complete, but mine has many chapters left-chapters without them here, with me, where they belong.

Painful-that's what watching the rest of the world move on is.
Lives don't stop.  Our grief doesn't necessarily change things.  Some simply remain the same.  And the compounding nature of those static things makes me want to rip the world apart with my bare hands.

But...
Yesterday was 2 more lovely pearls in the jar that Mercy & Sam gave us to fill with the souls of those who choose or return to Jesus.

So I will hold on to yesterday and the hope that filled my heart when those pearls dropped into our jar.  I will hold on to Charles, Eva, Charley and Max.  I will pray for the rumble of thunder to fill the sky, that I might hear the anger of God for the injustice that is this world.  And I'll stand for Jesus.  I won't compromise my soul to satisfy the needs of this world or the desires of humanity.  I'll simply stand for Him and in Him, because its the only thing that will keep me from wishing every moment of the day that He had simply taken us all together-that we would have reached eternity as a whole family instead of this fractured and broken brood.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? 
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, 
for I will yet praise him, 
my Savior and my God.  
Psalm 42:5 NIV

In Christ,
clan mac mama

The first month-

without Mercy & Sam.  

While it seems as though the days have lasted 100 hours instead of 24, that each minute crawls by, my thoughts constantly consumed by the absence of my sweet beans, the month also appeared to speed by like an old movie reel on fast forward- tape flying everywhere, grainy images flooding my mind, black dots clouding the images, garbled sounds and static filling the rooms of my mind.  

Entire days will pass by and I will wonder if I simply dreamed those years.  The happy ones.  The busy ones. The ones where we were told so often how blessed we were, how busy we must be, and well "don't you know how this happens?" and "my goodness, are you having any more??"  

Lately, the evenings are simply the hardest for me.  I dissolve into sobs and just crawl into bed, lights on, teeth not brushed…last night Charley just laid her little body across mine as I wailed.  Then she brought me Sammy's Blue Bear and Snoopy, her now treasured sleep companions, so that I could have a night with them.  

The silence is simply deafening.  The laughter of my children is no longer the music that fills my days.  Loneliness fills the hearts of each of those of us left here waiting.

Waiting, aching, keening... to see them again.  

I wonder what it's like there.  

Do they know we miss them? 

Can they feel our sadness?  

Have they asked all of their questions? 

Do they remember us? 

Do they remember how much we loved them?  

I beg God to help me remember times I have forgotten.  I lament the years I didn't blog much.  I pray for others to share their memories and moments.  

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Matthew 28:20

In my soul, I know He is with me.  In my soul, I will still thank Him, praise Him, bless Him.  For it is God who lent them to us, to fill our lives with laughter and joy.  Someday, He will once again fill my mouth with a song of praise and gladness.  

Because your love is better than life, 

my lips will glorify you.  

I will praise you as long as I live, 

and in your name I will lift up my hands.  

Psalm 63:3-4

He put a new song in my mouth, 

a hymn of praise to our God.  

Psalm 40:3

Please just keep praying.  Only His strength will carry us through.  

love, 

clan mac mama

  

 

I dreamed of Sammy last night...

in my arms I held him tight.
So surprised was I to feel his hug,
a deeper hole in my heart was dug.
But blessed was I to see his face,
to feel the love of his warm embrace.
I pray Mercy will soon inhabit my dreams,
giving me kisses and dancing in bright moonbeams.
When morning comes I'll still feel her kiss,
bringing with it a fleeting moment of bliss.
I'll simply never understand why,
rivers of tears I'll cry and cry.
Oh God, my God, please help me SEE,
and rest in the peace that You can be.  

A Mommy...

was really all I ever wanted to be.
But I really think it scared me for the longest time.  That thought of being responsible for another human being.  Being entrusted with a tiny little life, self, heart and soul.  How on earth could I possibly do that when most of the time I didn't seem to be doing such a bang up job for myself?

Apparently I figured some of it out and didn't let fear get in my way, since up until 6 weeks ago, I had 5 amazing, happy, blessed little people to call my own little tribe.  And, oh sweet Jesus, how I loved my little tribe.  I would have made that tribe bigger if I could have.  I adored my big family.  The chaos might have driven me crazy and the noise impaired my hearing, but it was the beautiful music that was my life.

And then I put them on an airplane, innocently unaware that I would never see 2 of them again this side of heaven.  I put them on that plane so we could get the grunt work of our bazillionth PCS move done and they could finally meet some of their Texas family.  I put them on that plane believing they would come back to me.  Safe.  Whole.  Alive.

I. was. wrong.

I never dreamed that I wouldn't hold them in my arms again.  That I'd be standing in front of Yana's in Swansboro when words that I still can't even speak bubbled from Charles' mouth.  That I would collapse in a fit of screaming and wailing and hyperventilating.  That I would never. again. feel their hearts beat against mine.
the whisper of sweet breath on my face.
the gentle snuggle of a hug.
the sweet kisses of soft lips.
the whispered "I love you, Mommy…"

Countless hours are spent every single day recounting the time that led to that trip.  Why did I send them?  Why didn't I say they weren't allowed on ATV's?  Why couldn't I just get the damn move done with them underfoot?  Other people do it!  Why didn't I?
For the love of all that is holy, why MY CHILDREN?  Why 2 of them?  Was it not enough that we should lose one?  Was it not enough to rip our hearts out once?  More than one person has said I never do anything small-why the hell did that part of who I am have to include the lives of my children?!

I want time to stop.  I don't want the world to go on and everyone else's lives to be normal.  Because mine never, ever, EVER, will again.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, but in some weird twisty way, I just want time to cease.  Because maybe if it ceases, the searing pain that causes me to wail like a dead cat while I stuff myself into a tiny hammock because its the only thing that brings me peace-maybe it will cease too.  If only for a moment.  Just one moment where I don't want to die just so I can hold them again.

But I can't die.  I have 3 other blessings that will need me more now than they ever have.  The horrible things that Eva and Charley witnessed have forever changed who they are, who they will be and how they will live.  The loneliness that encompasses each of them, especially Max, has drastically altered the landscape of their formerly innocent young hearts.

My heart breaks a little more every time I look at the sweet babies I still get to hold.  And I simply beg God to work a miracle in each of them.  I beg him to fill the cracks and the holes that puncture their hearts and souls.   He is the balm that will soothe their wounds.  And someday, I pray, that He will soothe mine.

I pray for purpose.  I pray for peace.  I pray for refuge.  I pray for forgiveness and grace.
In short-I just pray.  There is simply nothing else that I can do.

The enemy will undoubtedly use our pain, sadness and anger to create more evil in a fallen world.
Franky, the choice we have is simple.  Do we let him?  Or do we allow ourselves to be refined by the fire, to be clay in His hands, to someday have our sackcloth removed and be clothed with joy as we serve Him and glorify His good purpose?

Every single day is a battle of epic proportions.
Every. single. day.

A battle that can only be won through the power of our God…
by His might,
in His strength,
for His glory.

Pray for our family, please.  Just pray.

I love you to the moon and back, Mercy & Sammy.  Mama misses you more than you'll ever know.

love,
clan mac mama

banana phones...

and magic potions. 

storytelling and silly notions,

paper airplanes and lego cities,

baby dolls,  so itty bitty…

learning our letters and penmanship, 

little hands I love to hold in my grip! 

Someday I'll wish I'd recorded it all, 

for the memories by the wayside will fall. 

So now I'll pen an epic ode,

and reminisce this lovely road...

Fascination in Williamsburg at colonial times, 

learning age old nursery rhymes! 

Bending the Hotchpotch to make ABC's, 

wielding muskets for our right to be free! 

Jamestown, Yorktown, battles sites, 

learning the history of our rights!

Great Wolf Lodge with the best of friends, 

wishing the time would never end.

Waterslides and Magi-quest, 

hardly any time for rest! 

Alas, bewitching time soon drew near, 

our favorite costumes brought such cheer! 

Costume contests were entered and won, 

Haunted Hayrides made much fun!

Trick or Treat with favorite friends, 

Loads of candy had we in the end!

Nutcracker Ballet alit our Christmastime, 

every dance in perfect rhyme. 

Mercy twirling amidst the snow, 

Eva fluttering to and fro. 

Party dancing with tiny babes, 

leaping, lilting, graceful waves.  

Christmas season filled with joy, 

all to honor a tiny boy. 

Who came to earth to save us all, 

to raise us from our sinful fall. 

To celebrate and honor him, 

our voices raise in many a hymn.  

Mommy's soprano joined in choir, 

soulful singing lit a fire. 

To praise the Lord in verse and song, 

is what she's missed so very long.  

Her blessings listening so rapt,

reveals a joy that is untapped.  

Christmas day brought gifts so dear, 

memories will be made all year!

Bicycles and ballet barres, 

scooters, dolls and crazy cars!

Not 1, but 2, griddles to make,

our favorite pumpkin pancakes! 

with Harry Potter capes they play, 

make believe and magic all day!

New Year's eve brought sista' time, 

cousins, friends and fun sublime.  

Crazy card games, museum madness, 

family fun so filled with gladness. 

Another year blows in with change, 

our household soon we'll rearrange.  

Off to Parris Island to dwell, 

of new adventures, I'll soon tell!

Many memories crowd my mind, 

more I soon hope to find.  

Love to all and hugs to many, 

a thought I'll trade you for a penny!

Love, 

Clan Mac Mama

 

 

 

 

 

Blink

of an eye…
years flutter by.
littles are grown…
seeds you have sown.
waste not a second…
for then you'll regret it.
little words spoken…
sweet spirits, so open.
eyes filled with wonder…
love roars like thunder.
the love of a child…




Sammy…
"Mommy, please won't you biz up my pants?"
"Is it real, Mommy? Or just pretend?"
"Mommy, is there a ladder tall enough to touch the sky?"

"MOM!  MOM! MOM!!!!  There's a shadow back there!  It's a scary ghost shadow!  Don't BACK UP OR YOU'LL RUN IT OVER!"

"Mommy, I just need 3 more kisses to go to sleep."

Max…
"Mommy, say good-night to Blue Dog!  He wants a kiss!"


Mercy…
"Mommy, when I'm grown up, I want to be a Mommy  and teach little girls to dance!"

Sammy…
"Let me do it, Mommy! I can do it myself!"

"MOM.  MOM! MOMMY!!! I have something special to show you!  Come here, Mommy!"

Farewell Facebook...

WHAT?!?!?!?!  I can hear your collective gasps as we speak.  These gasps are peppered with anxious inquiries...
YOU DEACTIVATED YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT?
WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?
IS IT FOREVER?
HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON?

Well, let me tell you why & quiet the fears that I have lost my mind/will drop off the planet.

For much of the past few years, I have struggled with the direction my life has taken.  I've fought God's plan tooth & nail in my spirit.  I've allowed myself to become overwhelmed & frustrated.  I've succumbed to the endless comparison that is inevitable when you watch the lives of everyone YOU'VE EVER KNOWN unfold on a minute by minute basis.  I've wasted copious amounts of time "surfing" Facebook, reading things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of life.  I've allowed precious time that I could have spent with my sweet children and my wonderful husband to disintegrate as I emotionally check out while reading about how everyone else is spending their existence.  I've stopped recording the precious moments and memories that I so treasure.
Facebook didn't "take" that from me.  I did.
I allowed Facebook to be more important than time with God, time with my husband, time with my kids.  I've watched it disintegrate the time I spend with my childhood family when we're all together…I've sat in the living room on the rare occasions we are all together and felt like I didn't even know how to have a conversation because I can't compete with the inevitable draw of the SMARTPHONE.  I've stayed up too late & not read good books, been cranky with my kids, disconnected from my husband.
For what?
Don't get me wrong, I've been blessed in many ways by the relationships I was able to maintain through FB.  I've read life changing articles, laughed my a** off, cried tears of joy/sorrow/love, celebrated beautiful moments and been incensed by thoughts/opinions/situations.
BUT.
Not one of those things can hold a candle to the love I have for my husband, my children & my family. So today, I bid FB a fond farewell, thank it for our good times, bad times and in between times.  In return, I'll promise to consider one day coming back.
For now, though, I'll be busy adoring the moments I'm living RIGHT NOW.

stay tuned!
love,
tiff

Yup, I went to Wilmington ALL DAY with all 5...

and we survived.
No one peed their pants.
Only one was minus their shoes.
I only forgot one thing and no kids.
I didn't respond with a snarky comment to ANY of the many who "blessed my heart," and questioned whether they were all mine.
I didn't rip the face off the City Mac guy who took THIRTY minutes to check my computer in for a simple RAM upgrade that took 10 minutes.
We made it home in time for Vacation Bible School AND I got to watch Jeopardy.
My kids rock.

Sleep, precious sleep...

Who knew I'd ever again spend as much time coveting a night's sleep as I once did with 3 babies?  Seriously? I've done this… FIVE TIMES.  And I don't mean I've not slept for 5 nights.  I mean 5 babies…with the twins actually counting as 10 babies.  There is nothing quite like the sleep deprivation that comes from nursing 2 babies…
EXCEPT, the sleep deprivation that comes from my food allergies.
"Can't you just have a little?"
"Oh, it's just one bite!"
Nope.
I wish, with every fiber of my being, that I could have that one bite.  That I could snarf down that Krispy Kreme, inhale that Cinnabon, chow down on that deep dish pizza and tear up some fried mushrooms from Outback.
But. I. Can't.
I wasn't super diligent when I went on a trip last month.  I didn't want to be a pain and ask a million questions.  I didn't want to deal with the possibility of embarrassing someone I was with.  I didn't want to feel like I had a spotlight on my head while I investigated the origins of every. single. thing. I put in my mouth.
So, I just didn't ask.
And the cascade of symptoms didn't ask permission either.
I got home exhausted from lack of sleep.
Brain fogged.
Cranky.
Achey.
Intestinally distressed.
And then the lack of sleep just continued…and continued…and continued…
ARG!!!!
For a mom of many, for anyone actually, this is SHEER torture.  If you add being bipolar to that list, it's downright dangerous.
So, in my quest to turn it around and reset my body, cleaning out the offending proteins, I decided to eat a whole lot of quinoa.  Quinoa is great for you & healthy, right??
Guess what?  Quinoa can mimic gluten in your body if you are especially sensitive.  Apparently, I am especially sensitive.
SERIOUSLY?

Finally…almost a month after all this started, last night...
I SLEPT ALL NIGHT!!!
I could win the stinking lottery and not be as grateful as I am right now.

All the Krispy Kremes in the world can't beat my night of sleep.
love,
tiff

Victory in round 1...

Moratorium passed!  The people of Swansboro spoke & the Board of Commissioners (minus 1) listened.  I'm so excited we spoke out for a happy hamlet, and I encourage all of you to continue to let your voices be heard!  And now, I hate to be a wet blanket….
HOWEVER…
We are still in limbo regarding the court case that is pending in Jacksonville that pits the developer, Swansboro Investors, LLC against the Town of Swansboro in regards to the legality of the enacted moratorium.  The fact that it is taking this long for a decision to be rendered concerns me.  It is extremely difficult to fight investors backed by a goliath like Walmart and the single stone we have fired from our David-like little slingshot has yet to fully meet it's mark.  Unfortunately, this fight could be a long one.  I have no doubt that Walmart's investors will push us to the limit if given the opportunity.  The veiled threats from both the attorney for Walmart and the investors themselves have alluded to the financial burden that could result from us refusing to roll over and play dead.  Here is where we have a choice to make and it's important to understand the ramifications of making the right one.
One of the residents that spoke on favor of the proposed large scale retail store has touted the economic benefit of such a business repeatedly.  He has stated that jobs are needed here and this will help fill that need.  He has also stated that the tax benefit is one we cannot afford to pass up.
Baloney.
I'll just jettison the tax issue first.  The supposed tax benefit does not go directly into our town coffers.  It has to go through  complex process/formula through the state that determines what benefit we may receive.  The max is around $100K per year.  Sounds like a lot, doesn't it?  It's a pittance when viewed in light of the additional services the town will have to provide to offset the effects of a business of this type and size.  Just one extra police officer would cost the town over 1/3 of that amount.  And I'd venture to say that one extra cop just won't cut it in that situation.
Our town doesn't need 250 minimum wage jobs.  What is does need is a business or businesses that will provide a variety of jobs to both skilled and unskilled labor.  This means a balanced mix of reasonably sized retailers and businesses that will meet the needs of many of our residents. An ideal example would be an assisted living facility or Veteran's home.  While that type of facility would need to be approved for conditional zoning, I believe it would stand a stronger chance due to the type of commerce and support it could bring to our town.  It would not only provide a service for our aging population, but would also energize our economy with employment in many areas, to include: medical professionals, marketing professionals, community organizers, administrative professionals, insurance agents, food service workers, and dietitians.  THAT is the type of growth we need in our area!
So, let's not get complacent because we have this small victory.  We STILL have to let our Commissioners, planning board and town manager know what we want for our community.  Speak out, Swansboro!
Still fighting for my town!!
Tiff

Fighting for my Friendly City by the Sea...

23 years I have been on this roller coaster.  23 years I have searched for a PLACE I can call home…  A place I can raise my kids, feel safe at night, know the locals by name, walk the streets at night, send my kids to the park, PLACE.
Swansboro is my place.
Well, enter the bully.
Just about 2 months ago, I found out a large scale retailer was on the hunt to invade my home.  On the sly, under the radar, surreptitiously…they bought land under another corporation, applied for building permits and proceeded to try to slide in and change MY TOWN.
Yup, I call it MY TOWN.  Why?  I bought a house here, I pay taxes here, I vote here and doggonit, I am raising my FIVE precious blessings here.  So, you bet your bottom dollar it's my town.  I've chosen to support the local economy wherever & whenever I can and I am highly invested in making sure that the economy and the character of the town that supports it remain intact.
I have attended every town hall meeting I can, and spoken out in support of maintaining this quaint, fantastic little town that I am blessed to call home.  I wanted to walk away from tonight's meeting feeling confident, feeling certain that the democracy we have founded our country on will play out in favor of our town.
But.  I. just. don't.
Why?
Well, I'll tell you why.  Big box retailers have BIG, DEEP pockets.  They make serious sport out of scaring small towns like Swansboro into turning tail and running in the face of expensive opposition.  They weigh the cost of the legal battle against the long term gain of decimating and destroying the local economy.  Then they determine if the little town will have the cojones to take on the fight.  Guess what?  99% of those little towns just cave & take the hit.  And they topple over like a house of cards, succumbing to the idea that growth is inevitable and we just don't have a choice.
Guess what?  We DO HAVE A CHOICE!
This is our town.  Do you hear me?  OUR TOWN!  Fight for what you believe in!  Fight for the character of this place you have chosen to call home!  Fight for PROPER growth, grounded in common sense and continuity with the character and vivacity of our town!
As someone who has spent my life searching for home and finally found it, I can promise you I will NOT give up without a fight.
The city of Swansboro has a contingency fund for just this reason.  If we don't fight for who we are now, we may as well just roll over & play corporate. dead. America.
Tell your commissioners you want to fight!  Show up next Tuesday, July 15 at the town hall meeting and state it loud and clear!  We don't want to follow the herd and NO, change isn't inevitable.  Fight for what you believe in, Swansboro!  Hold true to our motto…
Swansboro, the Friendly (little) City by the Sea.